That said - things are NOT equal post-betrayal. So to pretend like things are equal is just dismissing the level of pain she is experiencing. There is a divide in the relationship that must be repaired. And by embracing the 90/10 posture - reconciliation has an opportunity to flourish.

It was through the wait that God started a good work in me, cultivating character and strength, hope and love; and born out of the suffering - immense joy.

The LAST thing on this earth that I wanted to do in the thick of my healing journey was to be vulnerable with Jason. Who wants to get hurt and then set themselves up to potentially get hurt again?!

And it's true - when we lay down our life for someone - we are humble, we hear them, and we do the right thing, even when it hurts.

So I told Jason - I missed it. I get it. And I'm willing to do what it takes to get the help we need, even if it comes at a cost like missing my favorite exercise class (ouch) or selling my car and stuffing the boys in the bike trailer and biking wherever we go (kidding, kinda).

Jason has always said that him seeing my pain and experiencing it first hand in the days, weeks, months and years (yes, I said years) after betrayal has been a key motivator to not go back to his old ways.

The type of sex we were engaging in wasn’t the love Jesus intended for us. Sex, for us, was a physical act of confusion. We’ve sought to take out the confusion and put sex in its rightful place.

This is an ever evolving practice at our home and we feel like we are almost constantly fighting for it. It never comes easy.

So I knew I was in for the wait. And in that wait, I knew I had choices to make.

We open our hands wide, and allow our hearts, our souls, our bodies to feel the pain. We assure ourselves that relief will come in the morning. And until then, we wait it out.

This week has been more of the same - sitting down on the couch, connecting, sharing our hearts. And it's been good. Deep, sacred, fully knowing one another.

For those of us {most of us} that didn't have this luxury, oh boy, does it ever feel as awkward as a middle school dance.

It's only when you are doing these things that your wife can actually start to feel she is safe enough to grieve your past - her present. You hear me? She is grieving her present reality. Her truth.

This is difficult because after being hurt beyond belief, my reaction was to draw the bridge and put alligators in the mote.

I identify that the one experience, more than any other, that started to refine this character trait, was coming to terms with the fact that Jason was unfaithful to me.

There is so much heart change that MUST come with this integrity change. And unfortunately, a lot of men get sober. And then they stop. The heart change never comes.

So although we can't stop shame from happening, we can figure out the best way to respond to it and work through it in a healthy way.

It also served as a way for me to see if Jason was serious about repairing the marriage.