A Rant...
Do y'all remember when I wrote that blog post where I was ranting and raving about what we need to see from our husbands in order for us wives to heal? Maybe I'm listening to too much Dave Ramsey or something but I think I have another rant in me that I need to get out today. Buckle up - it's going to be a ride.I'm so sick and tired of how much control some husbands {whom have made some really terrible choices} have over their wives. Please note - this isn't directed to every one of you. Some of you are doing a fantastic job of allowing your wife to grieve. Answering her questions. Holding her pain. Others of you - not doing so hot.These are the husbands that need to read on.Countless women, whom should be given permission to grieve that their life as they knew it was a complete lie, was nothing like what they thought it was - aren't even given the space by their husbands to start to grieve.
Instead, these husbands are so busy blame-shifting, manipulating, criticizing, withholding love - all this both before and after disclosure - that these wives can't even focus on grieving. Instead, they have to focus on the continued craziness. It's killing me!I sit back and think - these wives - they are capable and willing to forgive what many believe to be the unforgiveable. They are willing to do the necessary work to repair the marriage. But they can't even start the repair work (which, just to be clear, starts with a 1) full disclosure, 2) grieving, 3) turning over the puzzle pieces and asking a ton of questions and 4) grieving some more) because their husbands continue to resist giving them what they need.So the focus for these wives looks like this - "Why won't my husband answer my questions?". "Why won't my husband respect my requests to have physical space from him?" "Why won't my husband give me the diginity of hearing my pain?" "Why is my husband so defensive and angry?"It's as if these husbands - they 1) caused the pain. And then 2) are the biggest road block to working through the pain.Are you with me?
Husbands, do you not get it? You have stomped on your wives' hearts. You caused her terrible pain that she would never wish on anyone. Not even you. And then you proceed to be the biggest road block to her healing?
I do not understand.If you want to save this marriage, if you want to give your wife dignity and healing - let me tell you what you can do: Hold your wife's heart with more care and concern than ever. Let go of the pride. Let go of the entitlement. Ask God to give you the courage and the strength ( 'cause that's what you are going to need) to hold your wife's heart. To cocoon it and protect it with everything you've got.
And let. her. grieve.
Let her see that you hurt for her. That you are so sorry. Not just with the words that come out of your mouth but with the tears that fall down your face. With the fact that you will drop everything and come running if she needs you. With the respect you give her by asking before embracing her. By being intentional and asking her what she needs to process with you today about her new reality.
Shall I say more?By answering her questions. By giving her back her dignity by always telling her the truth. By allowing her to use her voice. By validating her feelings. By giving her nothing but your best. From this day forward. And when you trip up, you get right back up. Because God is sanctifying you and ain't nothin getting in your way.
It's only when you are doing these things that your wife can actually start to feel she is safe enough to grieve your past - her present. You hear me? She is grieving her present reality. Her truth.
So please, that heart that you stomped on over there? Take it in your hands and treat it with more care than anything else you've ever cared for. Do your part to sew up every wound. You be Jesus' hands and feet to your wife. Allow God to work through you."He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3