On Inequality in the Recovery Process: The 90/10 Rule

The setting was Frisco, Texas - back in the early 2000’s when there were more fields and pastures than houses. My marriage was officially in shambles, days out from me confronting Jason - it barely had a pulse. We called a church we had attended occasionally looking for a good therapist to help us walk this out.

We showed up at his office and I was judging myself HARD. What would he think of me? How could this be my life? Would he want to put us out to pasture in the field behind his office? I was a good girl, I had tried to make good decisions thus far in my life. I got good grades in college for crying out loud. This didn’t happen to someone like me. And yet - here I was, and this was now my story.

So we sat down in his one room office, that he apparently rented from an insurance agent. I thought this a bit odd but who was I to judge?

Jason jumps in and shares his story. I had heard it a couple of times by now, and just couldn’t believe what I was hearing. He appeared quite remorseful and for that I was grateful. But what in the world was this nightmare I was living in and when would I wake up…

As Jason finishes his story, I’m filled with anticipation and curiosity as to what this here counselor was going to say. How would he even begin to help us piece this back together?

And then he turned. He looked at me. And these here words came out of his mouth - “So Shelley - tell me what you did to contribute to this situation.”

I don’t remember the rest of the session except for my tears. I remember leaving the office. And I remember telling Jason I would never go back to him again.

Enter the 90/10 Rule

We found another therapist that helped us immensely. Jason refers to him as “one of the guys that saved his life”. This therapist didn’t blame me. Didn’t ask me how I contributed to Jason’s sexual sin. Sure, I pushed Jason’s buttons. But did I force him to cope in the ways he did? Absolutely not.

Now this didn’t mean there weren’t things I needed to work on. Certainly the betrayal exposed my brokenness like never before. But I didn’t have the capacity at the time to navigate the grief and loss I was experiencing and also dig into my “issues”.

In our work with Bryan as well as when Jason started helping guys before heading back to school to get a counseling degree - we saw how damaging this “equality” frame of mind could be. Not only from the stand point of assuming that she is a part of the problem but also in the actual recovery process - this assumption that things are “equal”.

In my work with women - I continue to hear their husbands say that they want and need things to be equal. In fact, some men refuse to work with us because of our stance that the work is 90/10. (90% on him, 10% on her.)

To be clear - we are NOT saying that he is doing most of the work - because she is working just as hard. What we are saying is - throughout the process - the weight is on him to do the work of beginning to restore trust, holding her pain, having a posture of empathy, figuring out his why, digging into his family of origin issues, and handling his shame and negative emotions in a healthier way. Bottom line: 90% of the work is on him to restore the damage done. This is not the time to work on communication issues or sexual frustrations or differences in parenting styles. The house is burning and none of these things are at the root of the infidelity.

Why 90/10?

While sin is sin - we do see from a Biblical standpoint the seriousness of adultery. Not only is it one of the ten commandments (do not commit adultery) but as I mentioned in this recent blog post, Genesis 2:24 shows us that anything that breaks the physical bond in marriage can also break the marriage itself. That’s how serious adultery is.

(In fact, just last night I was having a conversation about this with Jason - we were discussing how the consequences are SO far reaching. He was saying how he has had seasons where he forgets this.)

That said - things are NOT equal post-betrayal. So to pretend like things are equal is just dismissing the level of pain she is experiencing. There is a divide in the relationship that must be repaired. And by embracing the 90/10 posture - reconciliation has an opportunity to flourish.

His work: making amends, restitution, contrition, repentance - and in that allowing her the space to hurt and be. Her work: grieving, allowing herself to fully break so she can fully heal, boundaries, triggers, anger, deciding whether to stay or go; and ultimately forgiveness - whether she stays with him or not.

The Benefits

The benefits of embracing the recovery process with a posture of inequality and putting more of the onus on him to do the healing work are many. Here were some of the things that helped me / us:

It gave me space to grieve. I already felt like it was my fault - thanks to Jason’s comments first and foremost but also thanks to our culture, the church, the therapist mentioned above. By adhering to an equality in recovery mindset - I would simply be reinforcing this belief - that I had something to do with Jason’s choices and needed to work on my character deficits VERSUS allowing myself to sit in pain, name my losses, and slowly start to put myself back together.

It was foundational for rebuilding trust. By Jason going “first” and being willing to not only take full responsibility for his actions but also to be the one to do the work to repair the damage done - he showed me with ACTION that he was willing to do whatever it took. I HAD to see this to move forward into the future with him, after the pain I experienced in the relationship.

That said - it also helped cultivate a heart of conviction, repentance and humility within Jason by going first and owning fully his choices versus continuing to vilify me (which he had become quite good at in the throes of his addiction) and put the onus on me for what he had done. Repentance means to literally turn 180 degrees and go in a different direction. So while Jason was living a life filled with selfishness, lies and deceit - in order for me to really experience repentance from him - I needed the opposite: selflessness, honesty and him laying down his life for me.

Infidelity destroys the marriage. The opposite of that: loyalty, honesty, humility, empathy, restitution, repentance, him going first and doing 90% of the work to repair the damage done - these are the things that breathe life back into it.

Would absolutely love to hear your thoughts on this, please share with me where your heart is at below. You can always leave these comments anonymously.

Standing firm with you as you take your next steps.

xo - Shelley

PS. For more on - listen to podcast #12 on Equanimity.