Your Questions... Answered: The Five Minute Rule
Hello y'all! Hope you are making it through the holidays okay. I know this season can be incredibly difficult if you are in the beginning stages of this journey. You're almost there. The tree will come down, the stockings stowed away, and the littles will be back in school before you know it.
I wanted to go ahead and start answering some of your questions from this blog post and decided to tackle this one pertaining to the Five Minute Rule first. Here it is:
My husband still does not “get it” it when I go in to a tailspin when I can’t reach him by phone (work and mobile) nor by text. His “excuses” are that his phone was on silent, his phone was not charged, and day-time work meetings lasted hours. I want to believe he is telling the truth, but 2 years post disclosure after 35 years of infidelity does not alleviate my suspicions! Please tell me about the “5 minute rule” you and Jason have (had) such as: *How did you and Jason come up with the “5 minute rule” ? * Who initiated this plan and the time? * How did you and Jason come up with the “consequences” for breaking the “5 minute rule”? * How many months/years did you and Jason use this plan? Thank you!!!!!!!
And here is my response:
First, I just want to say, I am so sorry that your husband doesn't get it. This makes me so sad because after 35 years of infidelity (which no doubt includes lying, manipulating, pride and lack of empathy), I don't understand how he logically thinks that you could trust him when you can't reach him via phone.
Our counselor in Dallas, TX was the one that came up with the Five Minute Rule. He proposed that the best way for Jason to rebuild trust with me was to always be available to take my call. No matter what. And if I called Jason, and he didn't return my call within five minutes - I would assume the worst.
What this meant was that Jason had to be pretty intentional to stay in touch with me when we weren't together. This wasn't my responsibility, it was his. It was an excellent tool for him to start wooing me back and rebuilding the broken trust. It also served as a way for me to see if Jason was serious about repairing the marriage.
There wasn't really a consequence per say if Jason didn't adhere to this boundary. Rather, I was allowed (and given permission by both our counselor and Jason) to assume the worst.
We used the Five Minute Rule for the first 3 + years and we still loosely adhere to it today. Jason does his best to be reachable by phone and keep his calendar updated so that I know his whereabouts.
During those first few years, there was one time that Jason didn't call me back within five minutes. I think it scared him more than it triggered me. He looked down and noticed a missed call from me from 10 or so minutes prior and frantically called me. We just talked about this yesterday (as I was starting this blog post) and he remembers his heart skipping a beat but me being fairly relaxed over it. Probably because he had proven himself many times before this instance.
With that being said, I do think an occasional mess up should be expected, but from your question - it sounds like your husband is repeatedly making excuses as to why he isn't able to return your call within five minutes. It's clear to me that his priority isn't to do whatever it costs to rebuild the trust he has broken. He doesn't want to work at it. Instead, he just wants you to trust him again. No can do. Not after something like betrayal. It just isn't possible.
Just a reminder - if your husband has agreed to do the Five Minute Rule but isn't following through for whatever reason - this should definitely serve as a red flag. At a minimum, it shows his lack of commitment to doing whatever it takes to rebuild the trust he has broken.I hope this adds some clarity to the Five Minute Rule. If anyone has any additional questions, please feel free to post a comment below and I will do my best to answer it. In addition, you can find more details about the Five Minute Rule on page 169-171 in Worthy of Her Trust and on page 155 of Rescued.Happy New Year Ladies!xo-Shelley