Humility and Empathy... (Part 3)

I've really enjoyed working on the last couple of posts.  You can find them here and here.In this post, I'd like to share some tips for the husbands out there on this journey.  {Note to wives, you might have to put on your brave pants again and send this link to your guy.}  I say again because isn't brave such a huge part of this journey?!  I guess that's another blog post, though.I thought nobody better to discuss how our husbands can go from prideful and self-protective to humble and empathetic than my own husband, Jason.  Not because he is perfect in this area but because this has been a part of his process.So I asked him if he'd shoot a quick clip and I didn't tell him what we would be discussing.  I told him it was for my girls (that's you!).[video width="640" height="360" mp4="https://rlforwomen.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/ShelleyBlog.mp4"][/video]You can also access the video here.And yet, even with viewing this video, I want to make sure and close out this blog post with some helpful hints for wives, too.  Because our reality is - we can't change our husbands.  That's between them and God.  We can't make them become humble or empathetic.  I wish it were that easy, don't you?  Even still, here are a couple of things that you can do to try to give your husband the best chance at cultivating these oh-so-important character traits:

• show your husband your pain - how can our husbands learn to be empathetic if they don't see first hand how broken and torn up we feel?  This is difficult because after being hurt beyond belief, my reaction was to draw the bridge and put alligators in the mote.  I wasn't about to be vulnerable with Jason.  But he needed to see my hurt, my deep pain, in order to learn to be empathetic toward me.  (As a side note,  remember that some of us use anger to self-protect so it's important that we dig deep and engage the feelings underneath the anger.)
• allow your husbands to feel the consequences of his choices - It is so easy, no matter how much our husbands have hurt us, to try to protect them from the negative effects of their behaviors.  Whether you pick up side work to pay for the therapy, wake up early to drive your husband to work because his license was suspended, or protect him from sharing his reality with his close friends or family (the list goes on and on), remember that God uses painful circumstances to humble us.  Humility comes through situations where we feel lowly and come to terms with our smallness.
• be clear about what you expect from your husband and communicate it to him - This as well is so difficult because when we feel pain, our default is to isolate and self-protect  - not ratchet up the vulnerability.  I can't promise you that your husband will hear you or follow-through with your requests.  However, I can tell you that in order for you to be true to yourself and your needs and to invite your husband into something different, it's important that you share with him what you need and how you expect him to live.  And...as I sit here, I realize, this is still really hard for me to do some 12 years later.  What I grapple with is - will he even hear me?  what if he doesn't follow through?  how will I deal with that pain?

And it's because of the vulnerability that I encourage each of you to find your girls.  Find women that will love you and support you no matter what phase of the process you are in.  When you doubt yourself, they will hold you up.  When you want to hide, they will seek you out.  When you feel the pain, they will feel the pain with you.xo-Shelley