And then I realized, the one and only way to move forward through the pain was to lay it all at the foot of the cross and ask Jesus to do a miracle in my heart and release me from the hurt and the pain that Jason caused.

The type of sex we were engaging in wasn’t the love Jesus intended for us. Sex, for us, was a physical act of confusion. We’ve sought to take out the confusion and put sex in its rightful place.

If you have no idea what you are looking at, let me tell you - you are looking at my 4 week NEW laptop in a Pyrex dish of rice. (Don't mind me, I'm just going to rock back and forth in the fetal position a little while longer.)

Honestly, I consider this to be essential when it comes to self-care which is something I harp on a LOT in my groups.

It's almost as if I believe deep down - if I can have taught skin, a whittled waist, and breasts that aren't wonky, my life will be better, easier.

Back to the point - can I just tell you how awkward it is going to pools in the summer?

It's one of Satan's top tools that he uses to keep us from freedom and from basking in the sweetness of God's grace.

In my opinion, this is the most acute, most insidious, most tragic damage done by sexual betrayal.

Feeling sadness, shame, disappointment - all feelings that I'd rather not feel, but feelings that I know I must work through in order to be whole.

In other words, allowing the negative emotions to wash over me and accepting their reality has also allowed me to experience joy like never before.

I'm trying to stay calm - as other parents are around and this is getting embarrassing. Inside, I was screaming and shaking him. But on the outside - cool as a cucumber, calm, and relaxed. This is nothing. I've got this.

Why do we keep landing here? Asking ourselves - what are we really doing? Why are we limping along like this? Should it really be this difficult? This stressful?

If you are interested in joining me on this journey of becoming a woman living life from a place of worthiness, I encourage you to do a couple of things...

So why, then, has it been so hard for me to live my life out of a place of worthiness? To live from a place of deep security and wholeness?

This is an ever evolving practice at our home and we feel like we are almost constantly fighting for it. It never comes easy.

The decision has been made, the "no" is out there. And yet, I don't have total clarity in what God asked me to do because I haven't landed yet. My feet are not on solid ground. I can't look back with that 20/20 hindsight and say - "ah! This is why!"

Remember, nothing will be impossible with God.

So I knew I was in for the wait. And in that wait, I knew I had choices to make.

We open our hands wide, and allow our hearts, our souls, our bodies to feel the pain. We assure ourselves that relief will come in the morning. And until then, we wait it out.

Because honestly, sometimes I feel like it’s the kind of different that isn’t even cool. It’s the kind of different that offends others and makes other moms roll their eyes and smile cruelly.