I've got work to do - Part 1
Do you ever know that you have some work to do? And you know what the end result needs to look like? But you just don't know how to get there?
Kinda reminds me of my forgiveness journey.
I knew I wanted and needed to forgive Jason. I knew that by forgiving him, my burden would be lighter. I knew that the ONLY way to live a whole and joy-filled life was to chase after forgiveness. And yet, I really didn't know how to get there.
I had no choice (Actually, I had a choice - I could stew in my bitterness and resentment or I could GRIEVE) but to slowly and surely put one foot in front of the other and TRUST that God would lead the way, just as he did with the Israelites as they left Egypt some 3500 years ago -
"By day, the LORD went ahead of them in a pillar of cloud to guide them on their way and by night, in a pillar of fire to give them light, so that they could travel by day or by night. Neither the pillar of cloud by day nor the pillar of fire by night left its place in front of the people." - Exodus 13:21-22
And that's exactly what happened - I started to get real (I mean, REAL) uncomfortable sitting in my pain and grieving my reality and allowing God to lead the way.
Grieving that the one man on the planet that I chose and that I thought had chosen me - also chose other women, too. And he never told me this reality until after I said - "I do". I had to grieve that no. matter. what. my marriage was officially tainted. I had to grieve that I was officially broken.
Oh yes, so so much to grieve.
And little did I know that it was that grieving that propelled me toward forgiveness. More specifically to the grieving, it was putting on my brave pants and getting super honest about how I felt. You ask why it required my brave pants? It's because there is NO way I could FIX those feelings. I had to SIT with them. I had to SIT with them. I had to SIT with them. UGH.
And then I realized, the one and only way to move forward through the pain was to lay it all at the foot of the cross and ask Jesus to do a miracle in my heart and release me from the hurt and the pain that Jason caused.
Jason never could do enough to pay me back.
So maybe that's the answer to my question from above. I know I have work to do. I acknowledged late last week that there are not one, not two, not three but FOUR people that I need to release. Dear me.
I keep thinking of Paula Rinehart from Strong Women, Soft Hearts, where she talks about pulling out her yellow legal pad and going to town - just she and Jesus - looking inward and asking the big question - who do I need to let go of? It's something she says she does every six months. Inspiring.
I'd say that's my next step - to take out the paper and make my confessions obvious in black and white - a marker of sorts. To confess what I did wrong in these relationships. To confess that I've harbored bitterness and resentment. And then to ask Jesus to work in me and through me to change my heart.I am ready to release. I am ready to be more free. Anybody want to join me?
xo - Shelley