That said - things are NOT equal post-betrayal. So to pretend like things are equal is just dismissing the level of pain she is experiencing. There is a divide in the relationship that must be repaired. And by embracing the 90/10 posture - reconciliation has an opportunity to flourish.

Here is what I recognize: shame is what drives him to act out. And then once we are made aware of his acting out - shame is transferred over to us. And we look at ourselves in the mirror and we think: I’m not good enough.

Safety is an experience. It’s a way of being. It’s feeling calm, connected, grounded. And THEN doing the recovery work from this place as much as possible. Is it perfect? Absolutely not. We will flow in and out. But staying in a place of safety is one of the foundational components to healing well.

Our hearts hurt, our souls hurt and we felt broken. Know this ladies: asking questions is normal. It’s going to come and it’s disorienting, confusing and our husbands will not always be able to hold them well.

What I have learned is goodness, relief and calm does come. It's a process and while destruction happens overnight, healing takes longer. We learn to ride the wave.

As I step into the grief, I have to remind myself to go courageously and know that God will meet me with compassion and mercy. He is my hope.

Whether you are in early-recovery or even in mid-recovery, it can be really hard to figure out - what are the focal points? How do I make sure and cover all my bases so that I can move through this and not stay in pain and agony longer than is needed? We will touch on some things that are foundational in the recovery process to stay comfortable and safe.

I can say without hesitation that I like myself way better post-betrayal than who I was pre-betrayal. And just like what the Skin Horse refers to - I am not near as neat or packaged pretty on this side of it. And I LIKE that!

Well, it’s my loose segue into this concept of pain causing us to be stripped of the things we love. I remember early on in the recovery process having days where the pain was so bad I could not get out of bed. This pain took me away from laughing with my kids. It took away my ability to look at old pictures, my wedding pictures as well as photos of when my kids were born. It took away so much of my life that I loved. Ladies, this pain can take us to some deep dark places.

What does growing WELL look like in difficult life situations or during our recovery process? What I have realized is - in order to thrive WELL - we must learn how to live in the present.

Bottom line: let’s do what we need to do to get comfortable in the bodies God gave us. This could mean air-conditioning and this could also mean positive self-talk or anything in between but it does NOT have to mean losing weight. The end.

I don’t even think I realized how uncomfortable I was in my own home. By evening, I could feel sweat rolling down my back; then at night, I would lie in bed with no covers over me, waiting for the heat to pass. It just became the norm, the expected. Could there be a better way? I refused, stubbornly, to see air-conditioning as an option.

The first is to develop techniques and skills that will help us navigate the actual trigger. Think of these as your breaking-point strategies when you actually get triggered. The second is to develop habits and skills that will help your brain calm down and not be in a traumatized, heightened state. Think of these as your maintenance strategies. I explain this further below.

Whatever you are facing today that is causing you to feel powerless, I want you to hear me say: you don’t have to stay here. The war is already won.