I would say one of the areas that is most impacted by trauma is this: navigating triggers.

Let’s start with a quick overview of triggers - beginning with a caveat: Triggers for women working to heal from betrayal and triggers for men working to live with sexual integrity are two very different things.

Triggers for Her

This is how I define triggers for her: anything, yes, anything that reminds us of the pain from the past. In addition, remember that triggers find us, we don’t have to even look for them. It could be the most benign thing that triggers us - a smell, a random comment, a look. Literally anything.

Triggers cause us to feel unsafe and if we can’t manage the trigger - the amygdala reacts by activating the emergency response system (fight - flight - freeze - appease).

Triggers for Him

On the other hand, remember that triggers for him are the things that “trigger" him to move toward acting out. The sequence doesn’t go from trigger to acting out. Remember from the addictive cycle - once he is triggered, if he isn’t able to manage the trigger - he will move toward preoccupation (thought patters that precede the acting out) and then ritualization (behavior patterns that precede the acting out) before actually acting out.

His triggers are usually negative emotions or one of the three I’s (you can read more about this in the first chapter of Rescued).

{And a quick side note here: he has several, yes, several opportunities to pull the rip cord before the acting out. Starting with recognizing the trigger and managing those well but if not there - then once preoccupation occurs and if not there - then possibly once ritualization occurs, although that would be the hardest of the three “opportunities" to pull the rip cord. I am happy to go into more detail there, just let me know if you are interested in the comments below and I will respond.}

The Trigger-Trauma Connection

As you will remember from Part Two of this series, when we are traumatized, our autonomic nervous system can get "stuck" in a state of danger. As in, anything and everything can be perceived as a threat.

As an example, I recall at one point sitting in church and watching a woman on stage singing. I then remembered that a few weeks prior, Jason had made a comment about her ( a random, no big deal comment - BUT a comment none the less). All of a sudden, I was struck with panic. I even considered running out of the church because I started to feel like I couldn’t catch my breath.

This my friends was a trigger. I felt unsafe. The woman on the stage was perceived as a danger to me and my emergency response system was activated.

And yet, how frustrating - for goodness sake, I was sitting in church! (Remember, triggers find us, we don’t have to even *look* for them.

So What Do We Do?

There are many strategies we can use to work through triggers. I go into this more at the Restore Workshop. For the purposes of this article, I want to share two complementary ways we can work through triggers.

The first is to develop techniques and skills that will help us navigate the actual trigger. Think of these as your breaking-point strategies when you actually get triggered.

The second is to develop habits and skills that will help your brain calm down and not be in a traumatized, heightened state. Think of these as your maintenance strategies. I explain this further below.

Breaking Point Strategies

Taking the example from above when I was triggered by the gal on the stage at church, once I realized that I was being triggered, an excellent option for a breaking point strategy: Deep Breathing. One of the coaches on my team, Amy, sent me this video a while back which does a great job of explaining the ins and outs of Deep Breathing.

Deep Breathing can give us a moment to allow the prefrontal cortex (the CEO of our brains) to come back on-line which allows the amygdala to calm down.

Maintenance Strategies

The key with maintenance strategies is to work at increasing the distance between where we are at right now and the trigger threshold so that fewer and fewer triggers really impact us.

You can watch this video to understand fully what I am talking about.

A couple of examples of maintenance strategies:

Yoga - there has been a ton of research showing that practicing yoga can help our brains heal from trauma - this is an excellent maintenance strategy.
Rocking therapy - if you have a child or grandchild that you can rock - do it! Rocking helps relax our brains. Again, research has proven this.
Gratitude - Research has shown that practicing gratitude can help with PTSD symptoms. I have a whole lot to say here and should probably write an article on this - but for now, keep in mind that it’s important to hold space for your hurt and pain and at the same time hold space for the things you are grateful for. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. Hold space for both.

So Much More To Say

There is so much more I could share here - it makes me want to work on a Navigating Triggers Course once I finish the mother of all courses - the Boundary Course I have been working on (stay tuned, cause it's going to be good!).

For now, hear me on two things:

First, remember that there is so much hope for each of you - triggers do NOT have to take your day! Will it take effort and trouble-shooting and figuring out your flow? Yes! And - it's possible.

Second, I would love to hear any thoughts or questions you might have as well as if you have any suggestions for breaking point or maintenance strategies you’d like to share with this community.

In this with you!

xo - Shelley

Let's Talk Trauma - Part 4