Foundations- A Series
Whether you are in early-recovery or even in mid-recovery, it can be really hard to figure out - what are the focal points? How do I make sure and cover all my bases so that I can move through this and not stay in pain and agony longer than is needed?
As I have been working with women over the last decade plus - I have come to terms with the fact that there is no roadmap that is a one size fits all. I wish there was - I would hand it out to everyone.
Our individual journeys are just that - individual. However, we are all looking for the same thing: to get to the other side.
One of the things we are all looking to get to the other side of? The pain.
Pain. It’s freaking intense. And listen, it’s part of the process that is going to help mold you into who you were always meant to be.
We don’t want to skip over it.
In lieu of a one size fits all roadmap - what I can offer is a buffet (because it is close to Thanksgiving after all, so let’s talk in food terms!) full of the things that I believe are foundational in this process to cover.
Here are just some of the things I believe are foundational in the recovery process:
1 - Finding comfort in our bodies and in our homes (see below for more).
2 - Connecting with God, ourselves and others.
3 - Finding Safety.
4 - Full Disclosure - possibly including a polygraph - see part 1, part 2 and part 3.
5 - Detachment - watching and waiting.
6 - Knowing our Limits (Boundaries) and getting angry.
7 - Learning how to grieve (it’s not always natural).
The list goes on and on.
Think about for you: what do you believe is foundational in the betrayal recovery process that you want to address? And if you aren’t sure - it’s okay, we got you.
We are going to deep dive into these areas here on the blog over the next little bit as well as on IG and we are going to start with comfort.
Tracy wrote an excellent piece recently on comfort, including a recipe for bread! Bottom line from her post - it’s incredibly important that we find comfort from the source of all comfort - God.
In addition, it’s important to find comfort (amidst the pain and trauma) in our bodies as well as in our homes.
Trauma
I wrote a series recently on trauma - you can read the first post here and then if you want to keep reading the series, the rest are here, here, here and here.
Keep in mind that we can think of trauma as pain or overwhelm. It causes our brains to interpret everything (or almost everything) as danger - even when we are safe. I love this video that a friend sent to me - I feel like it explains trauma incredibly well.
One of the strategies that can help us work through trauma is allowing our bodies to have experiences that deeply contradict the helplessness that comes along with it (the trauma) (The Body Keeps the Score, page 3).
Focusing on comfort in our bodies as well as in our homes, I have found, to be an excellent strategy to help us contradict the feelings of helplessness.
In Your Home
Is there a spot in your home that brings you comfort and joy? Maybe it’s a cozy corner by a window that brings in a lot of natural light. Maybe it’s your closet because you feel cocooned in by the clothing on every wall.
Wherever it might be, I want to challenge you to find a spot that you feel comfortable with. And think about how you can make it more comfortable. Think: a blanket, a candle, a stool to perch your feet on.
Think of this area as your safe space. Grab a basket and put your Bible, your journal and some fun pens and pencils in it. Come here daily for refreshment and to allow your body to experience comfort.
In Your Body
When I think of bringing comfort to my body - I think of taking a warm shower (if I had one of those gorgeous soaking tubs, then forget about the shower!), clothing that is soft and loose-fitting, and getting under Jason’s electric blanket on his side of the bed.
I think of warm soup on a cold day, skipping the chips and sweets and opting for snacks that I know will make my body happy, chap stick (because yes, that is what I call it!) on my dry lips, and nestling up to a fire in our living room.
This is a GREAT time of year to practice comforting our bodies - there is just something about Fall that invites us to do so.
What brings comfort to your body?
Reading a book, snuggling with those you love on the couch, or maybe it’s laughter. Think about specifically what that is and work toward doing something on the daily that brings you comfort.
This, friends, is foundational in the recovery process.
Would LOVE for you to share below for others to read: what has helped you find comfort in your home as well as in your body? I can’t wait to learn from you and I’m excited for us to explore all the things on this foundational list. If there is anything you think needs to be on the top of the list or that you think we should explore more here - let me know that as well.
xo - Shelley