That said - things are NOT equal post-betrayal. So to pretend like things are equal is just dismissing the level of pain she is experiencing. There is a divide in the relationship that must be repaired. And by embracing the 90/10 posture - reconciliation has an opportunity to flourish.

Here is what I recognize: shame is what drives him to act out. And then once we are made aware of his acting out - shame is transferred over to us. And we look at ourselves in the mirror and we think: I’m not good enough.

Safety is an experience. It’s a way of being. It’s feeling calm, connected, grounded. And THEN doing the recovery work from this place as much as possible. Is it perfect? Absolutely not. We will flow in and out. But staying in a place of safety is one of the foundational components to healing well.

Bottom Line: We must understand and respect what is happening in our brains and bodies in order to GET to detachment. Practicing grounding exercises and other strategies to decrease those trauma symptoms is KEY.

Whether you are in early-recovery or even in mid-recovery, it can be really hard to figure out - what are the focal points? How do I make sure and cover all my bases so that I can move through this and not stay in pain and agony longer than is needed? We will touch on some things that are foundational in the recovery process to stay comfortable and safe.

I don’t even think I realized how uncomfortable I was in my own home. By evening, I could feel sweat rolling down my back; then at night, I would lie in bed with no covers over me, waiting for the heat to pass. It just became the norm, the expected. Could there be a better way? I refused, stubbornly, to see air-conditioning as an option.

The first is to develop techniques and skills that will help us navigate the actual trigger. Think of these as your breaking-point strategies when you actually get triggered. The second is to develop habits and skills that will help your brain calm down and not be in a traumatized, heightened state. Think of these as your maintenance strategies. I explain this further below.

Today I am not where I used to be, praise God. I am not trying to fix it, I am not denying it. I have moved through it and am living in a place of so much joy, peace and wholeness.

Whatever you are facing today that is causing you to feel powerless, I want you to hear me say: you don’t have to stay here. The war is already won.

I think it’s important that we name the impact that trauma has had on our lives. And how it impacts our behaviors. Naming the pain helps validate what we are experiencing. And it also gives us a loose roadmap for seeing if we are moving in the right direction or not as we look for - are these symptoms improving? Or no?

Since reframing trauma in this way, I have also been able to reframe the implications of trauma. It doesn’t mean that there is no hope. And it doesn’t necessarily mean that he is the abuser.