Let's Talk Trauma - Part 3

In case you need to catch up on the Trauma series - here is part 1 and here is part 2.

I remember it like it was yesterday. I {finally} found out the truth about Jason’s secret life and I immediately went into “fix it” mode. I knew if I were sexier that would fix it. I knew if we just found the right therapist, that would fix it. I knew if I just hyper focused on him and didn’t let him out of my sight - that would fix it.

Lose 10 pounds.

Be super sweet.

Don’t complain.

By all means don’t control.

Go get every marriage book on this topic.

Don’t demand anything.

Let him call the shots.

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I think you get the point and just want to know - can any of you relate to this? I am pretty sure I’m not alone.

A Response To Trauma

What I didn’t realize at the time was this was a response to the trauma of the disclosure and discoveries from the previous year.

I was reacting to the pain, to the overwhelm.

And let me be really clear: while half the time I was trying to fix it and stay hyper focused on him, the other half of the time I was paralyzed and wasn’t able to do much of anything but keep working my job. This helped me dissociate enough from the pain and overwhelm so that I could function. And it brought into existence denial and avoidance which got me through the day.

My life became a juxtaposition of effectively controlling the situation so as to try to prevent pain while at the same time denying myself of what was really happening so as to try to prevent the pain.

Pain. It came down to the pain. I didn’t feel safe with the pain.

Detach You Say?

One of the primary focuses in early recovery is helping the women we serve learn how to detach and get safe. Safe within themselves as well as safe within their environment. Once they feel safe, they can more effectively grieve, make logical decisions, set boundaries, etc.

Keep in mind, there is a big difference between dissociation and detachment.

Detachment is a precursor to boundary setting. I see the two as besties on this recovery road trip. You can read more about detachment here, here and here.

What Makes Detachment Difficult When Traumatized

When we experience trauma, we react a certain way as a response to the trauma. This reaction creates an illusion of safety when in fact, it doesn’t always promote safety. (Side note: some may see this reaction as codependency. This is an incredibly faulty way of seeing it. Listen to this podcast for more.)

In order to get safe, we support women in detaching and setting boundaries but this can feel like the opposite of what their amygdala's want to do - i.e. hyper focus on him, fixing it, denying it.

And here is the thing: when we detach and when we set boundaries - this isn’t fixing it, this isn’t denying it, this isn’t pleasing it and this isn’t fighting it. And that is HARD to do the opposite of what our amygdala’s are doing “FOR” us.

Rather, Detachment is facing the pain.

We do this, by getting safe. And sitting in the pain, safely.

Three Tips to Help You Start to Push Through

We will talk in a future article about how to help our autonomic nervous systems heal. Until then, three things for you to consider:

1 - If you have struggled with detachment and setting boundaries, I beg you to give yourself permission to fail in the short term. Yes, I said fail. It’s hard hard work and especially when our trauma brains are in full force, it might seem virtually impossible. Know that you will get there. Breathe. Stressing will not help.

2 - Take some time to consider: what could I do today to feel safe? Safe in your environment and safe in your body? Big question, I know. Would love for you to share in the comments below.

3 - I have identified four to five things that we need in place to help us set boundaries and detach effectively. One of those is having a support team in place that will stand in solidarity with us no matter what (Cloud and Townsend talk about this - see page 64 in Boundaries, 1992).

Who is on your support team? If you feel you are coming up short - I have good news for you: a new group is starting June 2 and you can see all the details here. But make no mistake - it doesn’t have to be a support group. There are a sundry of options to develop your team, this is just one that we offer.

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Cling to Hope

Ladies, there is so much hope for you. I want you to hear me say that. Your trauma brain does not have to call the shots from here on out. It won't. Because you aren't going to let it.

Today I am not where I used to be, praise God.

I am not trying to fix it, I am not denying it. I have moved through it and am living in a place of so much joy, peace and wholeness. Cling to this promise in God's word, even when it feels like darkness is prevailing. Jesus will show you the way.

As always, would love to hear your thoughts as you grapple with detachment in the midst of working through trauma.

xo - Shelley