Owning Ourselves - Part One
Pause for a moment with me and I want you to think about how you would answer this question - Are you fully owning yourself in this life? In your relationships? In your recovery process?
While working on the specifics of recovery is vitally important (think: grief, boundaries, anger, forgiveness - just to name a few) there is also the deeper heart work that each of us do while we are doing the recovery work. For instance, learning to own ourselves fully, discovering what we value, seeing how the false beliefs we have held onto inform the way we think and feel, taking ownership of our process, etc (again, just to name a few).
{Just a side note: This is apart of the good news y’all! God won’t waste anything in this recovery process. He longs for us to be so stinkin’ whole and it’s the pain of betrayal that ushers us into the deeper, refining, character building, heart work awaiting ALL of us.}
The specific recovery work and the deeper heart work most definitely inform one another. And at the core - owning ourselves fully is an incredibly important part of our journey toward wholeness.
A Shell of Ourselves
Let’s go back in time to before I knew about Jason’s secret life. While we were dating and in those first few years of our marriage, I would question Jason but he always had an answer that made me think he knew better than me. And so I started to question myself, to disconnect from my intuition.
As I started to disconnect and not trust myself, I started to shrink back. I started to rely heavily on others around me - their perceptions, their judgments - instead of myself.
I started to believe that I was the problem. That if I were better - better at sex, better at not controlling, better at not asking for what I needed - I wouldn’t feel so empty inside, so alone.
I started to become a shell of myself.
Enter Recovery
Once I understood the depths of Jason’s sexual addiction, I grappled with: how can I move through this pain while also making sure I don’t lose it all? The pain was so excruciating and I still felt like it was my fault - so I scrambled to try to be the perfect wife - to prove to myself and to those around me - that I wasn’t to blame for this.
Old coping mechanisms popped back up - I thought I needed to inhabit the perfect body for Jason. Then there would be no excuse. I also thought I needed to ensure my financial future, just for in case I did indeed lose it all. So I worked extra hard at my career.
I lost myself. I lost the girl God intended for me to be. I lost her through the tears, through the grief - but I also lost her through the fear of needing to make sure I wasn’t to blame and the fear of losing it all.
I wasn’t confidently owning myself - in fact, I was smaller than ever.
Changing Became Less Risky
It wasn’t until year six in our recovery that I got to a point where I realized the risk of change was less than the risk of staying the same. I had a sweet baby boy, God’s gift to us and yet my heart was cold. I knew I didn’t want this to be my family’s legacy. So one night, lying in bed, I decided to choose to trust God again. To give Him my life.
Turning Point
That was the turning point for me - that was when I started to be fully me. I started to take ownership of my process. I started to get honest about my brokenness and what I needed to heal.
What I have realized since then is this: in order to gain it all - I had to first lose it. John 10:10 says - “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”
Yes, to the FULL. And when we learn to confidently own ourselves versus shrinking back - ladies, this is what can help us live life to the full. With confidence, peace, joy, surrender.
In the next blog post - I am going to share three suggestions with you on how we can reclaim ourselves. Know that I am a work in progress over here, still figuring this out.
In the meantime - would so love to hear from you - can you relate to becoming a shell of yourself? What has this looked like? How are you working to reclaim yourself in your life? Share with me below!
xo - Shelley