what I'm learning about myself right now...
Hey Girls! It's me again, Shelley.I laugh as I say this because Jason and I have this running joke that dates back to college. I saw someone I knew walking down the street while Jason and I were driving past them. I proceeded to stick my head out the window and honk and yell as I waved, "IT'S MEEEEEEE, SHELLEYYYYY!". I guess I figured they might not recognize me.It was too funny.
I still do this occasionally. Takes me back to my roots and it makes us laugh 'til our bellies ache.I wish I could say that laughing is what I've been up to lately but that hasn't been the case. It's been a bit heavy here at the Martinkus house. Jason's been working through some heavy stuff - grappling with unmet expectations and what we fondly call, "mid-life recognitions".It's left me feeling like I need to detach and protect. It's triggered the past. I've seen these small glimpses of old Jason here and there and I've wondered - oh boy, where might this be taking me? Where might we end up? or this one: Does he even want to be married to me anymore?Jason warned me not to catastrophize or over-react (see the above paragraph for examples of this). (Does he not realize that I am a professional catastrophizer?)
After my over-reactions, I started to wonder - does this ever end? Will there ever be a time that there isn't a reminder of the past? Where there isn't more to process from decisions from long ago?
I don't know the answer to these questions. I just can't believe that we are coming up on 13 years into this process and there is still work to do. Not the ugly slow work of the first three or so years but work none-the-less. As soon as I think we are coasting, I realize there is something else that God is pruning and shaping in ourselves and in our marriage.
So we've reached out for support. Jason met for lunch yesterday with a friend, someone he trusts. Thank goodness, this man was able to tell Jason things that I could have told Jason (I know, I'm so humble) but that Jason wouldn't have heard well from me.I sent out an SOS to my go-to girls and they came a running ready to support, ask questions and encourage me.Finally, last night, Jason and I had a break-through. He reassured me with tears in his eyes that he is grateful I chose to stay married to him. That he wants nothing more than to be with me and our boys. And that he needs space to wrestle through these hard questions he's working through.So what might I be learning right now?
- This road might not ever end. I get to choose if I'm going to buckle up and surrender the ride to God or grip the wheel and exercise my controlling tendencies.
- I will always need community. We will always need community. Support is priceless and it's something I've had to fight for and will continue to prioritize in the years to come.
- I'm stronger than I was when we started our recovery. Because years ago, this would have probably sent me into a tail-spin. Today, a tail-spin is not out of the question but I feel like I can detach and allow Jason to grapple and to find my grounding in something other than him. It all comes back to trusting more in God and less in me and my situation.
This verse keeps playing in my head:
"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet i will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior." Habakkuk 3:17
I choose to surrender. I choose for Jesus to take the wheel.
What about you? What is God teaching you about yourself right now? Is it hard for you to surrender and allow Jesus to take the wheel? - to fully trust in Him?