A tool to help with self-empathy and to move us forward in our process
Empathy. I've talked about it before here on this blog. It's a non-negotiable when it comes to what we must see in our husbands as they pursue recovery. Is it something that happens overnight? Never. But it must happen.I've heard wives on my support group calls ask - is empathy ever something my husband will understand? Is it possible that my husband will never show me any empathy?
I've walked away wondering - how do we learn empathy? I shot a video with Jason back in March talking about this. You can view it here. Jason shares some practical insights into what it looked like for him to go from prideful and self-protective to humble and empathetic.But what about us wives? How can we give ourselves empathy and grace? Because oftentimes we second-guess and kick ourselves. The struggle is real.(As a side-note, remember that empathy is allowing ourselves to feel the emotions of another. So self-empathy is allowing ourselves the space to feel our own pain and emotions. Not just to feel them but to own them.)Let's fast-forward to this week. Three of my six groups are focusing on anger. I've given them an assignment to write an anger letter to their husbands. These sweet women have been working on their letters - and it's not easy, let me tell you. To willingly go sit in the pain, the anger, the uncomfortable-ness of it all - it's almost unbearable and it takes so much courage to go there.As the ladies were processing yesterday, I had a light-bulb moment while listening to them. Writing an anger letter opens the door wide to feeling self-empathy. When us wives write anger letters, we experience empathy for ourselves - it's almost like we take a 40,000 foot perspective on our lives and see what we've experienced with greater compassion.(Psssst, as a side note, the same happens with our husbands when they choose to write a full-disclosure.) Jason, in fact, mentions this in the video as a tool that helped him tap into his empathy both for himself and for me.If that's not enough of a motivator to write disclosures and anger letters, check this out: I came across some old research (new to me) recently regarding the positive effects of writing about our emotions and feelings and the impact they've had on our lives. James Pennebaker from the University of Texas has been doing research since 1986 on expressive writing and it's impact on our health. One study showed a 50% decrease in doctor's visits for the students that wrote about their deepest thoughts and feelings related to a traumatic experience.
So not only can writing about our anger, our feelings, our emotions help us gain empathy for ourselves, it also can help boost our immune systems. Love.
If you are reading this and you are feeling stuck in the process or feel like you are giving yourself very little grace, consider writing an anger letter. Write it as if you are the only one that will ever see it. Get it all out and be confident that you will be leaving some of your anger behind as you walk away from writing the letter.And remember - it will never be easy to sit down and write an anger letter. I do this exercise with my groups and I always wait until the 11th hour before I write mine. This coming from the gal that has tasted the real benefits of writing them.So if you are reading this and you feel like it's time to write a letter, consider asking someone else to hold you accountable to the task. Also, here is a link to a two-part blog post I wrote a while back on anger letters.Would love your thoughts on writing anger letters. Did it help? Hurt? Do you agree with the perspective that writing the letter allowed you to gain some empathy for yourself?xo-Shelley