Three things I've learned through it all
It’s August 28th, which means 11 years ago today, I confronted Jason. This day, even though I was in so much pain way back then, has come to symbolize so much more. As I reflect on the last decade plus, here are three things I’ve learned through it all.
It’s in the ugly that I have the opportunity to trust God even more. Looking back all those years, I still remember exactly how I felt both before confronting Jason as well as the days after. The physical pain: my heart hurting and beating loudly. The emotional pain: how could this all be true? The spiritual pain: God, why did you allow this to happen? But even still, it is to date the sweetest time between God and I. Just as the Israelites literally followed the LORD by day “in a pillar of cloud” and by night “in a pillar of fire to give them light”, so was I learning what it looked like to trust in God and to follow Him.God desires all of us to be healthy and whole this side of heaven. It was through and during our process that God began to shift the light from Jason’s sin to mine. As Jason started to take big steps towards who God was calling him to be, I realized that I wanted some of that freedom, too. Although I wasn’t actively engaged in the eating disorder that stole some of my life like a thief in the night, there was still a lot of work for me to do. Today, I sit here in amazement at the work God has allowed. It’s been hard. It’s been good. And the work never ends.It’s when I risk and surrender that God does some of His best work. God proved himself faithful that terrifying night eleven years ago when I confronted Jason. I didn’t want to. It took all the courage I could muster to stand strong and demand the truth. And God met me there. When I didn’t have the strength, he provided it. Time and time again. When I chose to forgive, He was there. When I pressed into trusting Jason, He was there. When I made my amends, He was there. When I get triggered, He is there. When I choose to forgive again, He is there. It’s all been risky. It’s all been in surrender. And it’s all been worth it.
I’ll never regret standing strong and confronting Jason. Nor will Jason. Last night, with tears in his eyes, he said thank you. Thank you for staying. Thank you for confronting me. And this is what we know: it – our ugly marriage and our bitter sweet healing – it’s the best thing that ever happened to me. To him. To us. To our family.