Recognizing our Limits
Before I get going on this blog post - I want to let you know I sent out a survey in my most recent newsletter. I would love for you to take the survey (it's only seven questions) so that I can begin planning what I want to talk about here on the blog moving forward as well as for other things we are developing - courses, the podcast, curriculum, etc. Your thoughts and your voice matter and I would so love to hear from you! You can subscribe to the newsletter and blog posts here. I might even make a printable with the steps below and include it in the next newsletter - let me know if that would be helpful!
Hi Ladies! Happy Summer!
I just love this time of year. I love the warm weather, the water, the laughter, the refreshments. I love seeing my kids run around with smiles on their faces - playing and being creative!
One of the things that goes along with summer is that people come out of hiding after a long Colorado winter. It's fun to see everyone again - for the most part. I had a "situation" come up a couple of weeks ago where someone wasn't too happy with me. Without going into all the details - suffice it to say that after the interaction, I threw myself on my bed, crying and feeling so raw - and as I was lying there, I realized - within me was a little girl that was heartbroken - and this is what made the situation so very painful. The little girl within.
{As a side note - we all have the child within us that we are continuing to help "grow up".}
I ended up fairly quickly recognizing that I didn't stand up for myself during the interaction - I froze. This happened a lot as a little girl, too - I didn't know how to use my voice. I made sure everyone else around me was okay. And when I did use my voice, it was often met with resistance. What precipitated my cry on the bed was a reenactment of what I would go through as a child.
So as I pulled myself up - I knew what I needed to do and what I could do - I could use my voice.
What followed was a back and forth interaction between me and said person and I was able to put into practice a lot of what I teach to the ladies that are in my support groups, the ladies I do coaching sessions with, and my team of women that help me help even more of you on a weekly basis via groups and 1:1 support.
I want to share with you the steps I put into practice as I navigated yet again a wonky interaction with a fellow human being on planet earth. Here is the play by play-
1 - I started with just recognizing that I wasn't okay with something and sitting with it.
I know this might sound super elementary - but a lot of women struggle to just recognize - "I'm not okay with this" AND THEN - pausing. We don't HAVE to do anything else yet - all we need to do is recognize it, say it and pause.
I'm sitting here contemplating - why has this been so hard for me? My MO for years has been to half recognize I'm not okay with this or with that and then I just tell myself "oh well" and then I move on and my "circle" continues to grow smaller and smaller because I'm not protecting myself. For myself, I haven't been able to comfortably sit with the awareness of having a limit (and the discomfort that brings) so it's been easier to ignore my limits.
Thank goodness - we are always given opportunities to learn and grow - and as I have been working on limits and boundaries and taking up space - I recognized I was not even close to being okay with the interaction and then I said it out loud (well, actually via text) - "This is not okay with me."
2 - Next, I asked for what I needed.
In this particular situation - I needed to have a conversation. In this conversation I wanted to make it really clear that moving forward, I would be fine to talk as long as we could both express our points of view. {Boom!} Unfortunately, it became really clear that this person wasn't interested in a follow-up conversation.
This is where it can become complicated.
3 - I needed to pivot and set a boundary or series of boundaries to protect myself.
So I thought through what I needed to protect ME. This can feel empowering and truly is how we can take our power back when someone doesn't respect our limit. I looked at this from several different viewpoints. Specifically: relationally, physically, emotionally and mentally.
Here is what I came up with:
Relational boundary - I don't need to engage in small talk with this person at this point. (This could get awkward given we see each other several times a week outside.
Physical boundary - I can't walk by their house - feels too vulnerable right now. If I am biking or running, I feel safe but if I am walking I will go a different way.
Emotional boundary - I am going to be careful not to give this person power over me or my feelings. (What this means is - I will be really aware of my feelings and if I start to feel insecure or scared or like this person isn't going to treat me nicely - I will acknowledge those feelings but not compromise what I am doing out of fear.)
Mental boundary - I am going to be really careful to not make up stories in my head about what this person might be saying about me, thinking about me, etc.
Keep in mind that these boundaries are pretty personal in nature - they aren't so much about the other person but rather they are about ME. Also - it's important to remember that the closer the person is to you - the harder it is to set the boundaries. It will affect you more. Since I don't live with this person - this is actually much easier (but still a challenge for me).
By doing this work - my circle (or all the things that makes up who I am and what I need to protect) is getting bigger. And that's a good thing because ladies - it's important that we take up space.
This betrayal process does a number on the amount of space we take up - we can explore this another time if you would like, just let me know in the comments.
Bottom line is - There is a systematic way we can go through this. It starts with recognizing our limits, stating we aren't okay with xyz, figuring out what we need, and if we can't get protection there - setting boundaries.
As always, I would so so so love to hear from you. I make it a point to respond to every comment these days. Sometimes it takes me a while, but I do it!
xo - Shelley