Finding Our Way to Grief
I was reminded recently how challenging grief can be. When I was working through the New Year Printable over the last month, I sat down (actually on New Year's Eve) and wrote a grief letter to 2020 in order to connect to the pain of the year + work toward moving through it (versus stuffing it).
Grief is hard yáll. And there are times when it uncontrollably bubbles up and other times when I feel like I have to dig deep to find it. The latter was the case this time around as I recounted and named all that had happened in 2020 that I needed to grieve, and that's what I want to focus on today.
{Side note: I've written about grief here on the blog quite a bit (if you go to this page and then in the little search bar, type in grief or grieving, a bunch of articles will come up. Yay for new websites!). I will share some of my favs in the upcoming {almost} monthly letter which you can subscribe to here.}
I've also been talking about the how's and why's of grief with both Amy and Tracy on my team recently and thought it could be helpful to share some of what I have been processing through.
Potential Roadblocks
Something that I think can prove to be helpful if you are struggling to grieve is to explore - what are the potential roadblocks that are in the way of going to the depths of grief. Especially if you are used to stuffing or putting up walls, this is important to look at.
Here are some of the possible roadblocks for you to consider:
Family of Origin - Was it acceptable to cry, get angry, show emotion when you were hurt or upset? Did your primary caregivers take time to comfort you? Or were you told to go to your room when you were upset? (Side note - I DO tell my kids to go to their rooms at times when they are upset. Eeks! Did I tell y’all that Jason and I are saving for college AND counseling?!) Typically the messages from childhood continue to ring in our heads without even being aware of them until we name them. What are the messages that were communicated about grief while you were growing up?
Spouse - How has he taken your grief? Has he validated you when you are upset and in pain? Or has he done otherwise? This is a skill they have to develop especially when they are the ones that have hurt us, so usually the answer here is - not a great job.
Preconceived Notions of Grief - Do you see it as a weakness? Do you see it as acceptable? (And usually this is informed by your family of origin and your spouse.)
Time - Some of us are more prone to adding more to our plates in order to avoid sitting with the painful feelings. This was me three years into our process. We didn’t have kids yet but I worked full-time, trained for triathlons (which can I just tell you how time consuming that is?!), oh - and went back to school to get my Doctorate in Physical Therapy. A lot of us just keep going, going, going which prevents us from giving ourselves SPACE to grieve. Are you so busy that you don't have time to sit with your emotions? If so, this is a roadblock for you.
What else comes to mind for you?
Name It
If you've been reading my articles for long, you know how important this is to me. In order to move forward we HAVE to acknowledge and name what is happening. Insight, insight, insight. When we name our pain, we are restoring honor and dignity. So name those roadblocks!
Rewire and Reset
Once we acknowledge potential roadblocks, we might have some rewiring to do internally in order to embrace grief. For instance, we might need to seek support and validation from others that GET grief and can tell us of it's importance to counter balance what we were taught in childhood or what was communicated by the one that hurt us.
Or it might be that we need to get honest about our time commitments and table some things so that we can give ourselves space to grieve. Take it from me - the grief doesn't just magically go away. The work doesn't disappear. It's waiting for us and staring us down.
Finding Our Way
The word picture I've been using lately when it comes to grief is quite simple - I imagine a sponge that is heavy and full of water. This sponge represents our hearts and souls. The water - our grief. It's important to squeeze that sponge until it is completely dry. We want to get ALL the pain and grief out. Only then can our hearts be truly ready to accept all the joy, peace and hope God has to offer. {I know, this is a bit extreme, but it drives the point home.}
To that end - here are three strategies that I've found to be helpful in tapping into grief:
List of Losses - Take some space in your journal and start writing down your losses associated with the pain of betrayal (or if there is something else you are grieving, same thing applies). Write down as many as you can and come back and keep adding to the list as you go about your day or week when something else bubbles up. Again - naming something honors the pain. And just a quick tip: hush the critical voice that might say - "well, that's really not that big of a deal". Um, NO. It's a big deal if it hurts your heart!
Step Away - Pull out your calendar and plan for a day (or overnight) to step away to grieve. Around here, I would suggest going to a secluded cabin. Commit to not allowing yourself to be distracted by screens or books or whatever it might be that would keep you from going to the deeper place. Take your journal, your box of tissue, your Bible - and ask for God's help in tapping into the grief. Ask your close friends to pray for you and go with a posture of openness for what God might have in store for you.
Talking it Out With a Safe Person - While some of us might be able to tap into the grief by being alone (see Step Away above), others of us might need to sit with a safe person that can validate what we are experiencing in order to tap into the grief. This would be me - when I feel safe, and I start to talk about what is grieving me, I am much more likely to allow myself to really grieve. The key is safety and validation.
What Works for You?
I would so love to hear your thoughts on this and suggestions for this community on what has worked for you when you need to tap into your grief but it's proving to be challenging. Leave your comments below and I will be sure to respond.
xo - Shelley