Full Disclosure - The Beginning of Healing

I hear time and time again about one of the most painful things a husband can do to their wife early on in the healing process.  In fact, "healing" can be removed from the last sentence because I don't believe what I hear about is healing at all.  It is the opposite of healing.  It's damage.What I'm talking about is this dribble, dribble, drip-drip of truths and half-truths.  It's bits and pieces here and there, whenever the husband so chooses to share a little bit more.

It doesn't work.  So to all you husbands out there that are thinking this is the best way to go about helping your wife heal - forget about it.  It's a horrible idea.  You are doing more damage than good.

What you are doing is leaving your wife to die on the vine.  You are allowing her to stay out at sea, day in and day out, without a life vest or a rope or any sort of hope to get to shore.  It's selfish for you, yes you, Mr. husband to think that sharing tidbits with your wife here and there is best for her.  Because it isn't.

The pain I hear about is excruciating, its unconscionable, it's inexcusable.  It must end.

So what does a wife do in this situation?  What does a husband do?  I'm fired up and ready to give you some insight as to what you should do.  Here goes...

First, remember this:  whether your husband comes to you and shares a little bit (or a lot) of his secret life with you or whether you stumble across evidence that allows you to peek into his secret life - either way - in order to start the healing process, a full disclosure must be done.

A full-disclosure looks like this:

• Your husband will take some time to think through and write out his sexual history from as early as he can remember.  Nothing will be left out.
• Your husband will share this disclosure with you (as in, he will read it aloud) in front of your counselor.
• If there are any details that you'd rather not hear about, your husband will not share those specific details.  This is 100% up to you and not your husband as to how much you want him to share.
• If you suspect that he might not be telling you the full truth, you have the right to ask for a polygraph.  Typically, it's the threat of the polygraph versus the actual polygraph test that forces resistant husbands to come clean.  You can request this polygraph prior to the full disclosure or after.  There are different schools of thought out there on polygraphs.  My opinion is as follows:  it's your right to request this if you feel you need the safe guards it potentially can provide.
• You have the right to take the disclosure letter and review it on your own.  You have the right to ask as many questions as you'd like.  In fact, if you desire to ask the same question over and over again - you have that right.
• When you are ready, you can respond to the full-disclosure with your own letter to your husband.  This might look similar to an anger letter.  It's an opportunity for you to put pen to paper and share with your husband exactly how you feel about him and his actions.  This is not a forgiveness letter.  Rather, this is a letter for you to be able to process your grief, your pain, your disappointment, your disbelief.

Although your husband might feel better after he has told you the whole truth and nothing but the truth, for you - it's as if the poor choices he made just happened.  Today.  It's your day one.What this means is - the hard work has just begun for him.  He doesn't just sit back and tell you he is sorry, tell you he won't do it again, tell you to just forgive and trust him.  (I'm feeling nauseated just imagining this and the sad thing is - for some of you reading this - it isn't imaginary.  It's your reality.)  Instead, he will continue to take time every day to ask you about your pain.  Ask you about how you are processing what he has shared.  Ask you if there is anything from the disclosure that you need clarification on.

It's when our husbands do this.  When they give us a full disclosure and then open the door wide to allowing us to process that the healing begins.  Begins.  Begins for you.  And for him.

Husbands, if you are feeling at all resistant to what I am saying here... I'm going to share something I read recently:  "Addicts need to remember that in the long run,  it's the behaviors not the disclosure that led to the negative consequences."  Got that?  It's your behaviors that caused the pain.  That caused the separation.  Not the fact that you did a full disclosure.Ladies, if you don't think your husband is capable of giving you a full disclosure - I want you to know that it is possible.  Sure, it may involve a lot of begging and pleading on your end and white-knuckling on his.  Don't give up.  Your healing is worth it.  After all, how can you forgive him for things you aren't even privy to?  You can't.