How to Get What We Need Post-Disclosure (The Follow-Up)

In the last two posts, we've been talking about what a wife needs from her husband post-disclosure.  You can read the first blog post here and you can view the video here.I believe that it's so very important for a wife to process her pain after she is given the ugly truth from her husband.  Below are some tips for husbands and wives on how to move forward in the process and allow the wife to get what she needs during the initial stages of this process.For husbands, Jason mentions in the video creating a safe place for your wife to be able to process and express her pain.  We suggest that you set aside time almost every night to talk specifically about where your wife is at.  What is hurting today?  What does she have questions about in regards to the disclosure or the past?  This safe place means listening versus reacting.  Humility versus defensiveness.  When a husband is able to meet his wife in her pain, it allows the wife to move forward in her grieving process.Another tip for both husbands and wives, which Jason mentioned in the video, is to agree that there may be times when one or both parties need to take a break from the conversation.  In my opinion, it's important for both the husband and wife to agree when they will loop back to the conversation.  Decide this before taking a break.For wives, early on, I believe it's important for us to find our voice.  Know that what you need and how you feel are legitimate.  Own your needs and feelings.  Know that they are valid.  We, as women, spend a lot of time taking care of everyone else's needs and feelings but not our own.Once we know what we need and how we feel, we are given the opportunity to use our voice and express these needs/feelings to our husbands.  This is difficult because it is such a vulnerable thing to do, especially early on.  But your healing is worth it.  I spoke to a wife yesterday that said she was always concerned about the "other woman's" feelings before her own.  She wanted her husband to apologize to this other woman.  The wife I spoke to said she comforted the other woman.  But she never allowed herself to have needs, until recently.What seems to work best for me when I need to express my needs and feelings to Jason is to let him know I need to have a difficult conversation with him.  I preface the convo with an immediate need:  "I need you to listen to me and not interrupt."  "I also need you to not be defensive but open to what I have to say."  (Granted, I can't manage how he reacts but I find it important to preface serious conversations with such words.)  I also tell him what my fear is.  "I'm afraid that you are going to become upset with what I have to share."  I have found that when I couch a difficult conversation in this way, it proves to be more effective both for myself as well as for Jason.If you feel uneasy about expressing your needs to your husband, do it in front of a counselor.  And know that as you continue to process what your husband has revealed to you, at some point, anger will rise up.  If we, as wives, have taken a couple of steps forward in owning our voice and expressing our needs and feelings, it will do us a lot of good as we start to engage the smoldering anger within.You can read a little more about how to work through anger here and here.I'm always interested in your thoughts and feedback.  Would love to hear from you! xo-Shelley