Dear Me - A Letter to my 26 year-old self on Valentine's Day

This is a letter written to my 26 year old self - it's how old I was when my life turned upside down. Hey You - yes you!I know you've been dreading today, Valentine's Day.  You've never loved this holiday - except for those homemade sugar cookies your mom would always bake for you.  That's really the only thing about Valentine's Day you ever liked.Looking back, Valentine's Day was always the day when you realized there was absolutely no boy on the planet that was interested in you.  Ugh.  And this didn't even change after you graduated from braces to retainer gear.Any who, now Valentine's Day is ruined forev - or so it seems.  How can you celebrate cupid's special day when your husband hasn't been faithful to you?  This holiday will never ever ever ever feel the same.That innocent love - gone in what seems like a poof.I know you feel like here will always be a black cloud over Valentine's day, Birthday's, Christmas, heck - even the Fourth of July.  And you are right, it's gonna be hard for a while.Breathe deep and don't expect so much from yourself.  For goodness sake, your heart was just ripped out of your chest and it's going to take a while, a long while for the mending to be complete.When you try to pick out a Valentine's card a couple of years into your recovery, well, don't even try it.  Because there won't be a card that fits the bill.

Where are the cards that say "I think I love you but the ache hasn't gone away and I don't know that it ever will."

Or "I'm thankful you've done some work but I don't love you to the moon and back and I don't want to have sex with you tonight just because it's Valentine's day.  If I'm honest, I'd love for you to remove yourself from this house for the entire day.  That's what I want.  The end."

Sadly, those cards don't exist.  Note to self: you should seriously write down all the sentiments you feel and start making your own cards for women with a similar story.  I bet they'd be popular.But you're a fighter.  And you want so badly to like Valentines day.  Every year, you keep going to the card store to pick out a card that will work.  Every year, you walk away with a pit in your stomach because you can't identify with literally any of the cards.  Another blank one on the inside will have to do.Don't believe the lies that you are too different.  That you are too broken.  That every holiday is ruined forever.You so desperately want to feel normal on this day.  Pssst - forget about normal.  Normal is over-rated.  Just be confident in how you feel today and honor yourself, m'Kay?Because it's going to take a long while, like seven whole years, before you start to see the light.  You'll walk into that card store and for the first time, you will read a card that fits.  Don't get me wrong, it's not one of those sex cards.  Just a sweet simple "I love you" card.  And you believe it.  It's a sweet moment - because you realize you've come a long way and your heart is softening.  Finally.It will continue to get better.  You'll start to roll into the card store and laugh at all the silly cards.  You will also laugh at all the over priced flowers, chocolate or even the lingerie begging to be purchased.  You will pass it all by as you kick your head back and laugh out loud!Because a decade in, you will realize that Valentine's day is really just another day.  Sure, it's a chance to say "I Love You".  And that's not a bad thing.  It's just your relationship isn't hinging on what you do or don't do on February 14th.  Your relationship is hinging on what you do the other 364 days a year.So remember this - you must go through the pain and the heartache in order to get to the other side.  You can't skip over it, not even the pain of holidays, you must bravely move through them.Thirteen years after your first post-betrayal Valentine's Day, you will be so thankful that you chose to stay.  You will be so thankful for the way Jason has led this recovery.  You won't be able to believe the love you feel for that man, your husband.  The way you two will laugh together and cry together.  It's redemption at it's best.So breathe, be true to how you feel, and take the pressure off.  You and God - you've got this.  I pinky-swear-promise.Love, me