On Working through Insecurity {A 2015 intentional (#1)}
This year, part of what I'd like to do here is share about how I am working through my 2015 intentionals. You can read more about them here. Specifically, I'd like to focus on working through my insecurities, being more intentional with my time, and loving myself just as much as I love others. In some respects, these intentionals go hand-in-hand. I also know that insecurity, in particular, is something we all struggle with at times. I'd propose that I was most insecure in the months following Jason's disclosure; so I think the topic is well suited for us gals that share a similar story.This past weekend, Jason was away working at the EMB workshop. I was home with the litttles and my dad came to help out. On Saturday evening, I had committed to attending a birthday party for a sweet neighbor at a local bistro. I realized I wouldn't know a lot of the people there. In addition, the party was compromised of couples.As the evening approached, I started to feel more and more reluctant about attending the party. Would I know anyone? Would I fit in? Would anyone talk to me? What would I wear? What if all the women were more dressed up than myself? (This is after I did a total wardrobe overhaul and currently, I don't even own a dress!)I started to process this further and realized that it was my insecurity causing me to second guess attending. I'd feel more secure if someone went with me. Then I'd have an insurance policy against feeling alone, invisible and ultimately rejected.(As a side note, I've decided for myself, step one to overcoming my insecurities is awareness. The art of being able to stop, identify and process the feelings within, and label them as insecurity (or not).On Saturday afternoon, I decided that this experience could serve as a chance for me to work on my insecurities. So this is what I transpired:First, I asked myself, what is the primary reason I am attending the party? Knowing my motivation and intention beforehand may help me focus in on what's most important (because I'm pretty sure my appearance wasn't what was most important). The reason I was going was to honor my friend and hope that she felt cherished by my presence. So what mattered was that I greeted her, wished her a happy birthday, and engaged in conversation for a bit.
Then, I started to work on the "should cloud" infiltrating my mind. For example: "I should wear a skirt, everyone else will be wearing a skirt." "I should go purchase a nice outfit. Everyone else will be wearing something special." The list goes on. Instead of "shoulding" in regards to my wardrobe, as I had been doing all day, I thought about what I love to wear. What I'm most comfortable in. Not what I felt like would allow me to feel more accepted around others. I landed on a pair of destroyed jeans and a simple top with a necklace. Yes, this was my style. This speaks to who I am. (Casual, tomboyish flair with a feminine pop.)Next, I started to recognize what was a lie circling in my head and replace it with Truth. For example, I kept hearing: "I'm not going to know anyone. I'm going to feel invisible." Instead, I reminded myself of the reason I was going - to cherish and honor my friend. I told myself that I could meet new people and engage in conversation with them. I wasn't invisible. I'm a whole person. A human being. I matter. I have worth.And last, on my drive over - I called a good friend for encouragement. She is single so I knew she'd understand my uneasiness. She gave me a couple of suggestions and empowered me to walk in that bistro all alone.The evening went better than I had expected. I chatted with people I knew and met several couples that I'd never met that lived in the neighborhood. I let loose on the dance floor, not really caring what others thought of my moves. I was there for three full hours and I can say, it was worth the time investment. And you know what, it also served as an opportunity for me to intentionally take another step towards becoming a secure woman. And for that reason, I am truly thankful.