solid ground

Whether it's because of a trigger or emotional turmoil, one of the many and I mean many challenges facing wives that are affected by their husband's sexual betrayal is finding a place of solid ground in the midst of the ugly.  Think of "centered" or "grounded" as a place where you aren't barely keeping your head above water.  No, grounded is where you can stand firm.  You are in the lifeboat.  You know what is true.  It's a place where you know you can make it through the next hour or the next day.I wish I could say that I knew exactly what it looked like to be grounded before Jason and I started this process some eleven and a half years ago, but I didn't.  Ah yes, once again, a benefit from this experience.Words to describe the chaos of not being centered are:  out of control, scared, confused, anxious, afraid, gasping for breath, and the swirling of lies.  Words to describe the state of being centered are:  a healthy confidence, awareness, peace, rest, hope and truth.We ebb and flow between grounded and not-so-grounded. Because life happens.  And life is messy.  So it's an art.  And it takes practice and self-awareness.  It's only when we recognize we are in chaos that we can turn around and head in the other direction.  Toward peace.          Below are five suggestions to help you as you look for solid ground:

• Keep tabs on your stress level.  I like to rate my stress between a 0 and 10.  I check in with myself throughout the day.  If I rate myself above a 5, I know I need to practice some self-care to bring my number back down.  In regards to "stress", I appreciate what Milan and Kay Yerkovich say in their book, How We Love.  They state that stress means "we have a bunch of feelings that have piled up and we're overwhelmed by them."
• Think of self-care as an activity you do for yourself.  Typically, this is an activity that you walk away from with more energy and clarity.  It could be as simple as intentionally sitting on the couch and reading a book.  Or taking a walk.  For myself, probably one of my all time favorite self-care activities is going for a run.  This is a time for me to be alone.  Quiet.  Enjoy nature and the rhythm of my breathing and feet striking the pavement.  It's also time for me to commune with God.
• For a quick and easy grounding technique, sit in your chair with your feet on the floor.  Feel your back against the chair.  Slowly breathe in for five seconds, then out for five seconds.  Make sure you breathe from your abdomen.  Your shoulders shouldn't rise and fall.  Rather, your belly protrudes when you breathe in and draws in when you breathe out.  Do this to a count of ten.
• Allow yourself to feel however it is you might feel.  I was emailing with a woman late last week and she said that she was feeling like she didn't have much more energy for her marriage.  She felt hopeless.  Assuring her that although it doesn't feel good to feel hopeless, hopeless is how she feels.  She can embrace this feeling and not deny it.  Embracing our feelings allows us to settle into a centered place.
• Reach out to a person close to you that you feel safe with.  Oftentimes, when we share how we are feeling, there is relief in simply getting it out.  I experience this after attending my support group or after Jason and I spend some time processing feelings.  This option can be difficult.  But it's worth it.  If anything, you will know you aren't alone.

What about you?  Do you feel grounded right now?  If not, is there something on this list that you can do to help yourself move towards a more centered state of mind?