On defensiveness and the elusiveness of empathy

Yesterday, I was still getting back into the swing of mothering after a long weekend at Women In The Battle.  Ah, the lazy days of summer.  My two younger boys and I were playing on a playground while my older son was in the middle of his baseball practice.  We were about 50 feet from a city pool.  As I was walking over to get my bag from the west end of the playground, I could hear a mother yelling at her child.  It startled me and for a moment, couldn't tell where the angry mother was.  So I walked up the grassy slope toward the pool.                   Once I got a little closer, I could see a mom with her two littles.  She was quite upset with her older daughter, who looked to be two or three.  She seemed so angry.  I get it.  I've been there.  And then I started to wonder what she might say to her daughter when NOT in public.I watched for a while as the yelling continued.  The little girl finally laid down on her towel, sobbing.With my heart racing, I walked over to the iron fence of the pool.  I was only a couple of feet from the mom.  I called out to her and she couldn't find me but finally realized I was on the other side of the fence.I asked her if she was okay.  I told her I could hear her all the way from the playground.  I offered her a break (although I didn't quite know how I would pull that off, I must admit).  She snapped at me.  Told me she was fine.  It was none of my business.  I snorted back that children have feelings, too as I walked away.  Eesh.I ran into a friend at the bottom of the hill, back at the playground.  I told her what was going on.  She recounted a similar story to mine - when her husband asked for a dad to gain control of himself in front of his child and in front of my friend's children.  My friend remembers the tense exchange and then remembers that a couple of minutes later, this dad followed them into a store.  Just as my friend thought it couldn't get any better - this dad apologized.  He explained that he had recently gone through a divorce and wasn't handling life well.My jaw dropped hearing the story.  I told my friend, "wow, I can only imagine handling it the way that dad did!  So humble!"As I walked back to my littles, I realized that I could have done a better job with the mom at the pool.  She reacted to me in defense and I reacted to her with just as much defensiveness.  What if I had been able to give her some empathy?  How would the conversation have gone if I had told her - "me too."  Me too - I've gotten so angry at my boys.  I've said things that have hurt.  I get it.  I've been there.  Mothering is so hard.  Is there anything you need?Would the conversation have taken a turn for the better?  This, I don't know.  But what I do know is this - this defensiveness - it's so easy to grasp.  And it makes empathy so elusive. Ask any wife to recount her husband's reaction when she tries to ask for clarification, reassurance, or a need in regards to his sexual integrity.  Most of the time, especially early on in the process - she will relate to me that her husband is defensive.  It's a go-to, natural, human reaction.  And it's so not okay.I'm currently reading Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goldman.  In the book, the author discusses the difference between empathy and sympathy.  Empathy stems "from a sort of physical imitation of the distress of another, which then evokes the same feelings in oneself."  Sympathy on the other hand is a feeling "for the general plight of another with no sharing whatever of what that other person is feeling."So how do we bridge the gap between defensiveness and empathy?  Sometimes it might feel like for us or our husbands, it's a bridge we will never find.  To that end, here are a few thing to remember as we work toward being empathetic with others:1)  Remember the "me too" attitude.  We are all one or two steps away from doing something that someone else has done or will do.  We are all capable of terrible things.2)  Remember that there is a link between defensiveness, self-protection and pride.  Ask yourself the next time you are defensive or the next time your husband is defensive - "What and why are you trying so hard to protect?"3)  Remember that when we are fully known - there is always a risk of rejection.  It's a vulnerable and exposed place to live.  Yet there is also a lot of freedom waiting for us when we choose into true intimacy with others.  (In addition, remember that this is one of the primary drivers of a sexual addiction.  It's all about getting a shot of intimacy without the risk of rejection.  Think about it - will a pornographic image ever reject someone?  No.)It's time to land this plane.  Know that I'm still trying to figure out this empathy, living fully known and how to not self-protect.  As always, I'd love to hear from you.xo-Shelleyps.  Thank you, Connie, for the graphic.  I love.