Truth for your day
This week - I was acutely reminded of the pain of the first days and weeks following Jason's disclosure of his secret past. The gut-wrenching - deer in headlights - I think I'm going to vomit sort of pain that brings us all to our knees.
The good news is (because I'm always looking for the brighter side) is Jason is living with integrity and living a godly life with purpose. He is all in. I as well am all in and living a life trying to pursue God and His path for me and not my own (the struggle is real!). Yes - the good news is Jason and I are together and intact and fighting strong.
While I know sharing particulars here isn't wise - the last few days have brought back some of the priceless and ever-so-important realities that I had to mine for in the weeks and months following Jason's confessions.
So if you are new on this journey or a seasoned veteran like myself - I think you will appreciate hearing what keeps bubbling up in my head as we wade through the waters -There isn't a one of us that can fully prevent bad things from happening. As much as I'd like to believe I can be perfect - this week has reminded me once again that it's impossible. God is the only one in this life that is perfect. We are not. I heard this quote yesterday and appreciated it - "I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection. Excellence I can reach for, perfection is God's business." -Michael J Fox
Boy, did I struggle early on in our journey with questions such as - how could I have prevented this? How could I have prevented myself from marrying a sex addict? How could I have somehow been a better wife, a better lover so that this wasn't my story?
The truth is - bad things happen to good people and it wasn't my fault - but it was so hard to get there. Especially when I suffered consequences as if it were my fault.
Isolation breeds fear. It's critical to talk about it.
One of the hardest things we will ever do is to share our pain with someone else. I can remember 15 years ago - how I held onto my story. Wondering if I just didn't tell anyone - maybe it wouldn't be real. However - holding it all inside for month after month sickened me. There was so much fear that I carried around inside of me.
John 11:10 says "but if anyone walks in the night, he stumbles, because the light is not in him."
When we choose to drag what is dark into the light - no matter how scary it is - there is always freedom awaiting us. It certainly doesn't take away the consequences or the reality of the choices made by those we love (or made by ourselves for that matter) - but it does something powerfully healing when we share our truth with someone else that we consider safe.
My heart aches for all the women out there that haven't shared their stories with a single soul. That, my friends, is why I believe so much in these support groups. Because it's a place where you can share your story and work toward being real, true and authentic.
I'm reminded (and oftentimes forget) I'm no better than anyone else. Then tragedy strikes and I'm back on my knees, realizing none of us are better-than. It comes back to humility and there is nothing like the humbling work that Jesus does in our lives. It's painful. It's harsh. And it's also necessary. Because living from a place of lowliness - continually choosing hands wide open, asking God to get us through the next minute, the next hour - there is such a sweet richness there that can quickly fade when life is throwing us Care Bears and rainbows.
What good will come from this?
I remember asking God - how will you redeem this? How in the world could any good come from it? I heart Genesis 50:20 when Joseph says to his brothers years after they betrayed him - "what you meant for harm, God meant for good. The saving of many lives."
Oh God - how much we all want that for our stories - for it NOT to be for harm but instead be for good. And for not just one life to be saved because of our pain but for many lives to be saved. Yes - that's what we want!
Here's to hoping that when you read this post - you are resting in God's goodness - even if you feel like you are at the bottom of the food chain.
xo - Shelley