The List

Several months ago, Jason and I came up with a list.  A list of the main things we feel we need to address in our marriage.  Think of it as issues we’ve decided to dust off and put on the coffee table.  And if we allow these issues to continue to hide under the coffee table, our marriage may become hopeless.We came up with four main areas:

• Our Prayer Life:  We both wish that we spent time praying together, outside of when our head hits the pillow at night or with the evening meal.  We wish prayer was a bigger part of our lives.  On the couch, before conversations, together.

• Date Night:  Between two littles, Jason being self-employed, night commitments; our time together alone is few and far between.  I used to avoid date night.  It was way too intimate for me (remember:  in-to-me-see).  I’ve made progress in this area over the last three years….however, my willingness to invest in Jason away from our children and away from our home still lacks.  Even if just for a couple of hours

• Sexual Intimacy:  This deserves many a blog posts in and of itself.  This area has always been a struggle for Jason and I.  We both came in with “issues” in the sex area.  For me, both through what I was taught as well as what I perceived; sex was not a good thing.  Thus, I never learned to appreciate my sexuality.  In a way, I was asexual.  As for Jason, he was on the other end of the continuum.  He used sex to feel like he was enough.  Truly, he abused his sexuality and made it more than it was.  Put the two of us together and really, what a mess.  Add to that body image issues, betrayal…yes, it has been difficult.  And something we realize we should continue to work on.

• Knocking down Fence Posts:  I’ve mentioned this before.  When Jason and I disagree, I begin to build a nice tall fence around my heart.  I don’t necessarily realize it at first, but before long, I’ve checked out and words are few between the two of us.  This used to last for days.  But lately, I’ve been able to recognize this quite quickly.  There is an almost physical feeling of me pushing him away.  So, we are working through this.  For me:  identifying it and saying the words… “I’m putting up a fence post.” or “There are six feet of fence going up right now!”.  And for Jason:  not giving me space but rather risking and sitting with me in my pain or confusion.

Thinking back to the night we were sitting on the couch and came up with this list holds a special place in my heart.  I felt a sense of comfort and security.  Jason was interested and took the time to initiate this conversation.  It communicated that he is willing to continue to work at our marriage and never settle for anything less than the best as we walk together through this very short life.Would you consider sitting down with your spouse and coming up with a similar list?  One suggestion:  I’d keep the list short.  3-4 items.  And keep it on the coffee table.  Not literally; but bring it up and commit to working on it.