Staying in my Lane
I was reminded of a clip fromthe 1987 Blockbuster - Baby Boom as I wrote this post. In the movie, Diane Keaton plays this high-powered corporate executive in New York City. She happens to inherit a baby girl from a distant cousin and I remember at one point in the movie - she is trying to keep up with the other women power walking to work.
As I recall, for a moment, she tries to keep up with the other high-powered exec's but then realizes - she can't do it anymore. So she slows down and this look of resignation comes over her.
It's crazy that I remember that clip so well from a movie that I watched when I was just a kid. Maybe because I find time and again that I'm that woman. Trying to keep up, to be the same, and then realizing I just can't.
Case in point, I've been on the treadmill lately. Running around like a crazy mama to sports practices and games like no. body's. biz. It occurred to me a couple of days ago that we have 11 sports practices and 10 games this week ALONE. And my 2nd half is headed out of town. Oh my.
With the marathon that has been my life over the last 6-7 weeks, I have slowly started to slip away from some of the habits that continually keep me grounded. Namely spending time reading my Bible (being connected to God), journaling (being connected to myself), and working toward staying connected emotionally to Jason (being connected with others).
This fraying of the cord that anchors me has started to infiltrate other areas of life. I have started to feel pressure "to be the same". To do whatever it takes to "fit in". The problem is - fitting in changes with every situation.
I've also started to get super caught up in what other people (both near and far) are doing with their time (I hate social media in this way) while I have just gotten more and more frustrated and disappointed with how much I am NOT doing. Discontent is the word that comes to mind.
And this, my friends, is NOT how I want to live.
So on Sunday night - after a day of feeling pretty much anxious and powerless - I took some steps in the right direction. I ran a couple of errands to better help me be ready for the week (self care people). I wrote Jason a note and left it by his keys. I dusted off my Bible on Monday morning and picked up where I left off months ago.
Then yesterday, while I was prepping for this talk - I picked up this book that I read a couple of years ago - and flipped to a page speaking to what I have been struggling with. He mentions differentiation and this is what he says:
Differentiation involves the ability to hold on to who you are and who you are not. The degree to which you are able to affirm your distinct values and goals apart from the pressures around you while remaining close to the people important to you helps determine your level of differentiation. People with a high level of differentiation... can choose... how they want to be without being controlled by the approval or disapproval of others.
Peter Scazzero, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality p 82
Ironically - out in the margin, written in my hand writing from 2017 - it says "I think I have some work to do." (You don't say!)
This, my friends, was exactly what I needed to be reminded of. I need to get in my own lane and stay there for a while. I need to get super clear with God on what my next steps look like. I need to go back to my values and what makes me unique. I need to think boundaries and seeing myself apart from others while also being connected to God, self and others. I'm not running someone else's race. I'm running my own race and God hasn't forgotten about me.
Here is the deal - I know I'm not alone in looking at others, seeing what all they are doing or not doing and wondering - what went wrong. {Heck, I was texting with a sweet soul yesterday and we were talking about what we thought this season would look like versus what it actually looks like. I told her - and I'm serious - I thought by now I'd have another book in the world (um, not happening), I'd have a well-thought-out designed home (bahaha), and I'd have time to take a shower and wash my hair on a daily basis (for the love). She as well was sharing where she expected to be by now, but wasn't.}
We all have big plans. And for a lot of us - those plans went into the porta-potty when life blew up before our eyes. (And for some of us, we had big plans and then we had a baby.)
Either way - know that God hasn't forgotten about you. Know that if you are in a season of barely keeping up, feeling frustrated and overwhelmed and exhausted from recovery and from life - He is doing a good work in you and through you even in the wait.
Let's stay in our lanes. Let's be ourselves, be different. Let's encourage one another, support one another and cheer each other on. And let's take a lot of pit stops - preferably with comfy restrooms and not porta-potty's.
On the journey with you - Shelley