Practical Tips for Setting Boundaries - Part Three

Last week, we set out on a discussion involving setting boundaries.  You can read the first two posts here and here.  Now that you are all caught up, lets talk about what it looks like when we set boundaries that our husbands choose not to respect. This, my friends, is where the rubber meets the road.Jason and I were discussing this the other night.  I told him how much I'd love to give the wives I work with a flow-chart to help them navigate this often-times-sticky-part-of-the-process.  Jason didn't think this was an option, for he said it isn't that cut and dry.  I'm still thinking this through.  I think a flow chart would be so nice, wouldn't you?!In the meantime, let's talk about practical tips for when our husband's choose not to comply with the boundaries we have set.  Below is a list of action items to implement, as needed, when we aren't able to get the safety and protection we need following a boundary request.

• Setting boundaries is vulnerable.  We are risking rejection.  It's okay to communicate how we feel given our husband is choosing not to honor our request.  Communicating our feelings is vulnerable in and of itself.  Yet when we model vulnerability, we are opening the door wide and inviting our husbands to choose vulnerability in return.
• Rally your friends and reassess.  When our husbands choose not to comply, we may want to retaliate.  But before we react, it's important to step away, seek wise counsel from our support network.  And ask them for input on the given boundary request.
• Place the ball back in our husband's court.  If our husband chooses not to comply, follow-up with a question.  Ask him:  "What is your solution to help me feel safe and protected given you don't agree with this specific boundary request?"  Yep, if your solution doesn't work, then what does he propose.  Agree on a date and put it on the calendar as to when he will share his solution with you.
• When all else fails, consider a temporary separation.  This could be an in-house or out-of-the-house separation.  The goal of this separation is not to punish our husband but rather to protect ourselves when our husband's aren't willing to do so.  Remember : the posture of a separation isn't one step closer to divorce but rather one step closer to restoration and healing.  (And also don't forget:  One of the important pieces of a separation is to clearly state what you need in order for the separation to cease.)  It may prove helpful to seek professional help when considering a separation so that he/she can best help us navigate this piece of the process.

Never do I want to make this process appear easy because it isn't.  It's messy, imperfect and oh-so-hard.  Setting boundaries and sticking to them is on my long-list of parts of this process that are terribly and utterly difficult.  I'd love to hear from y'all.  What have you done that has helped when it comes to setting boundaries?  What have you done that has helped or hurt when you and your husband get to a place where you don't agree?xo-Shelleyphoto credit (top)