On where my heart is at today...

Okay, so I'm kinda scared to write this post.  I'm specifically afraid that you all might run for the hills.  And yet, it isn't fair for me to ask you to shine the light on your truth if I'm not willing to do the same.  And sure, there are some things that I'm probably not going to share on this blog that I feel a little more comfortable sharing in one of the groups I facilitate or with a close friend.  I guess I do have to be careful.  But this I feel like I need to get out of me and I'm willing to do it here.These last few weeks have been a little too real with triggers and memories and bitter thoughts and the like. It's kinda been one thing after another - from being triggered at church to finding an old journal from when I was 18 and Jason and I just started dating to dealing with a slightly embarrassing situation involving my underwear (it's a long story).So that takes me to today.  And after my morning call, I was processing some of what was shared.  I went for a run.  Upon my return home, I was listening to one of the songs in my running play list.  It's a song by Mat Kearney.  (On a side note, I love the dancing in this song and I appreciate the fact that the women look like normal women.)  And you might or might not relate to this part that I'm choosing {not} to shame myself over.  I saw a picture of his wife (on the cover of the album) and I wondered what she was up to.  One thing led to another and I found myself cyber-stalking her Instagram feed.  Yep, I do it, too.  And what I saw was innocence.  Pure love.  Joy.  {And I know, I know, I know - who knows what their life is really like. Yada-yada.  It's just from the outside looking in, I couldn't help but to think he is probably faithful to her.  And that's all she will ever know.  And then I started thinking....buster, don't mess her up!  Don't mess that sweet innocent girl up!}Somehow, some way, I snapped myself back to my reality and not her life.  (Because for real, y'all, I have really been trying to stay present in my own life and not someone's life that I don't even know.)And then while taking a shower, I sensed what I've sensed for the last couple of weeks - that maybe there is more grieving for me to do.  And then I want to say...  Excuse me?!  Please tell me this is a joke because I've grieved SO much.  I'm twelve years into this process.  Puh-lease, more grieving?!As I process and write, it makes sense.  When I was 18, this wasn't my story.  I was innocent.  I was looking for pure love.  I believed it was possible.And this is where my brain starts to hurt.  I have the most amazing husband on the planet.  I don't want to be with anyone else.  I'm crazy about Jason.  (You don't understand how huge this is.  I used to have the opposite kind of thoughts when I thought of him.  For years.)   And yet, I can't run away from my story.  I will never know what it's like to have my husband be faithful to just me.  That's my reality.  And part of our connection today is because of what we've been through.  Our love is deep.  We are one because of our experience.  And yet, there is still grief.  There is still sadness.  There are still triggers.  There are still moments to forgive.So that's me.  Today.  That's my heart.  Please don't run away.