Moving Towards Emotional Intimacy

We were two years in.  I didn’t feel connected.  I knew I wanted and needed more.  And I found myself on this particular Saturday chasing him around the house.  The sad house with the large rooms and empty spaces.  Kinda like our hearts.  Empty.He was avoiding conflict at all costs.  He locked himself into the bathroom.  And later told me that arguing wasn’t healthy.  It wasn’t something he was familiar with and we weren’t going to do it.  I trusted him.  He was my god, after-all.It wasn’t that I liked conflict…or was even good at it.  But at that point, what did I have to lose?  Whether it was love or war, I just wanted to feel connected and our love evaporated.  I had no idea that there was so much more.  His addiction was tops and nothing was going to stand between him and his ugly truth.  Not me.  Not intimacy.  Nothing.And then God intervened.  I demanded the truth.  It was ugly.One of the by-products of full disclosure is intimacy.  I was able to fully and completely know Jason.  And that was ugly truth, too.  And it was hard for me to reciprocate.  I wanted to feel safe.  I wanted to be in Control.  Stable.  Secure.Intimacy is Naked.  Faults.  Failures.  Truth.  Real.So I retreated.  It was one-sided.  He had intimacy, freedom, progression.  I had control, fences, plateau.Years later, I realized I hadn’t given myself completely to Jason.  I never had.  I also realized that I hadn’t given myself completely to God.  I never had.It started with a prayer and a plead.  And my heart started opening to God.  And to him.  You could call it trust.  You could call it surrender.  You could call it the end of myself.And the beginning of something new.So I practice being intimate with Jason.  It isn’t always easy.  It takes effort.   It takes time.  I’m learning to be true to myself.  True to my inner voice.I want to completely surrender.  I want to be different.  I want to face my fears.  It’s my journey and I’m willing to do what it takes.  Even if sometimes it feels like backwards.What is your experience with emotional intimacy?  Is it something you are comfortable doing with your husband?  With friends?  I’d love to hear from you.