Making Amends - Part 1

God speaks to us all in different ways.  For me, I hear Him when I am running.  When I’m in the shower.  And also when I am reading.  Not only His word but others words.I mentioned that I just finished Chasing Silhouettes.  You can read about that here.I did a ton of underlining, scribbling, etc.  Much stood out to me.  God used Emily’s writing to bring me to my knees.  And I realized in no uncertain terms that I was sick all those years ago. Not only did I exhibit disordered eating, but I was also addicted.  This is humbling.  Why have I judged others so much?  The plank is large in my eye.Recognizing my depravity is huge for me.  Being totally honest about my decisions is huge, too.  Emily mentions asking for her parents forgiveness.  And I thought:  I’ve never even thought of this!And little did I know, that was a door God cracked open and invited me to walk through with Him.  Walk with him towards even more healing.  Yes, this is the next step.I am in such awe when I see God working in my everyday.One thing after another, and it’s like the floodgates opened up and I started thinking about others I need to make amends with.A day later, I shared this with Jason.  And he asked me some good, hard questions.  And my list is lengthening.Two days later, I shared my list with a friend.  I confessed all my ugly to her, too.And here is the thing:  none of these memories are new to me.  I remember them all.  But God is allowing me to see it in a new light.  He is showing me how broken I was (and am).  And although this is hard work, I have hope.  I feel thankful.  Thankful that God would love me enough to show me my depravity.So I contacted my go-to gals.  Yep, the four that know my everything.  And I asked them for their prayers.  Specifically, the following:

• Besides the names on the list I started last night, is there anyone else I need to make an amends with (in regards to the decisions and how they negatively impacted others while engaged in the eating disorder?)
• Do I need to make amends with the parents of several of my friends?
• I’m asking God to show me how much money I stole in food from specific people.

I’m opening my hands wide and sitting in this.  Knowing God is orchestrating this because He knows I’m ready.  Knowing He is doing this because He loves me.  Knowing there is more peace and wholeness for me on the other side.

Psalm 139: 23  “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”