A letter to you, dear brave woman.

Last week, I received a voicemail from a friend that I initially met here on the blog. She later joined an RLFW support group and is now in a place where she is helping women at her local church. She was preparing a letter to women in her community that reach out asking for support. She wanted to know from me - what are the 2 or 3 things that I think might be valuable for women to hear when they reach out for help.

It got me to thinking about all the things I would want a hurting woman to know after she realizes her world won't quite ever be the same - the moment she realizes that her husband has betrayed her. I wish I could meet for coffee with each of you. To sit across from you and tell you these things...

Dear Brave Woman -

I know your heart is hurting. Chances are, it's the most painful thing you've experienced to date. Your husband wasn't who you thought he was. You chose someone that you were convinced would protect you. Someone that only had eyes for you. And now you are faced with the truth that he has betrayed you.

There are a several things you must know as you move forward on your journey. First - please know that you didn't do anything to cause this to happen. Chances are, your husband has blamed you. Possibly in subtle ways and possibly in more explicit ways. It might be that he told you he wished you'd have more sex or different sex with him. Or maybe he complained about how you dressed or wore your hair - all under the guise of - "I'm not attracted to you anymore." All these hurtful things, chances are, were said well before you even became privy to his problem.

And if your husband hasn't pointed the finger, well then, it doesn't help that our culture points the finger on the woman that has been betrayed. Your friends might even make comments about random women on TV or in real life that go through the heartbreak of infidelity and say {stupid} things like - "no wonder he cheated on her, given the way she treats him...". This is so incredibly hurtful, damaging and inaccurate.

Trust me when I say this - betrayal has no proclivity to one woman over another. Women of all backgrounds, shapes, sizes, colors, statures (the list goes on and on) are affected by betrayal. Fill in the blank - if only I had _________ or __________ this wouldn't have happened. Well, let me tell you - it's not true. Even if you had __________ or _________; it wouldn't have prevented this from happening to you.

Your husbands choices were just that - his choices. And those choices were informed by the wounds from his childhood. They were informed by his inability to be intimate with others and his choice to cope in an unhealthy way that ultimately hurt you.

Please don't change who you are, how God created you, knit you together in your mother's womb because of his choices. It's so easy to want to fix it this way but learn from my mistakes - it won't fix a thing.

Second - There is a lot (I mean a LOT) of grieving work to do. This might be your first shot at grieving or maybe you've had experience in this area. For myself, it was my first big shot. I want to encourage you to buckle up and get ready for the ride. It's intense. It's crazy. It's unsettling. Some women find they don't want to go to the deep dark places (I can't blame them) and they hope to get through it as quickly as possible. Others deny it and skip over it all together. It's been my experience that while we can try to bury our grief - it won't ever completely go away until we work through it. But how? Well, similar to how you'd eat an elephant - it's one bite at a time.

Not only can it feel insurmountable and like the most daunting of tasks, but it's also difficult to grieve if your husband isn't capable of giving you the empathy and compassion that you need (this is very common early on in the process because he hasn't had a chance to do his work yet). One of the most painful things I've seen in my work with women is when she has to carry the grief alone. It's antithetical to how we grieve best - which is in the presence of others. So if he won't create space for your grief, find a trusted girlfriend or group that will. And be clear about what you need - you need someone to sit in the pain with you. To listen and not fix. To encourage you and pray for you.

It would also be nice if we had a road map for the grief. You know what I mean - an A to Z process for how to get over it in a timely manner (pretty please) and only at convenient times (NOT when my children need me or when I'm giving a presentation at work). You know, we could check boxes and see our progress as we move forward?!

I hate to burst your bubble but this is not how it goes. Grief is unpredictable, it ebbs and flows, it takes us by surprise and then when we are ready and willing to grieve - it won't join us.

"Emotion is rarely convenient and often intolerable..."

- Josephine Barry (Diana Barry's great aunt in Anne with an E)

When the grief did wash over me in those early days, I feared it would take me out. What I didn't realize is this: the cleansing work of deep grief is actually just what I needed to breathe lighter and easier. Going to the dark places moved me closer to healing. I couldn't check a box or see some great improvement week to week; but when I looked back over the months - I saw that the work was paying off.

So give yourself permission to grieve. Find someone that will hold you in your pain (a girlfriend, mentor, therapist, coach or husband, if he is capable) and know that it's the most unpredictable thing ever.

Third - Self Care. And I don't mean the things you think you ought to do but don't want to do. I'm talking about the things that will help you survive this season that actually bring you a sliver of joy. For those of us that are energetic, it could be a run or a walk in nature. For those of us that get energy from tidiness, it could be organizing a closet. And for those of us that yearn for comfort, it might be sitting on the couch with a cozy blanket and watching a NetFlix show.

I can't emphasize this enough - finding those couple of things to help you get through the day. Every day. Your life is dependent on it.

Much love - Shelley

Image #1 - Photo by Miguel Bruna on Unsplash

Image #2 - Photo by Iswanto Arif on Unsplash

Image #3 - Photo by Jake Melara on Unsplash