I recently finished a book entitled Chasing Silhouettes by Emily T. Wierenga.  It’s a book I’ve been interested in reading for about a year now but I’ve been hesitant to do so.  It’s all about disordered eating and as much as I wanted to open it, I also wasn’t sure what it would stir deep within.Light bulbs flashing as I turned the pages.  And I realized through reading the book that I have three unanswered questions:1)   How did I get an Eating Disorder?2)   How did I get better?3)   What does it truly look like to be fully restored?Overall, this book helped me take off my “denial glasses” and instead replace them with the “glasses of truth”.  Let me explain:  I think that although I knew I had a problem, I wasn’t convinced it was bad.  I’ve rationalized.  I’ve justified.  I’ve even  denied.My story is eerily similar to Emily’s in certain respects.  So much that I was able to really see the truth about my life through her eyes.  The truth about how God made me (for instance; I’m sensitive, I didn’t like some of the physical attributes God gave me, I’m the middle child).  And the truth about familial factors (I was taught to put others needs before my own, I come from a family with mental illness, I felt pressure to live up to high expectations).  All of this and more combined to erupt into the perfect storm.So no, it really wasn’t all about my weight loss after getting my wisdom teeth removed.  There was so. much. more.The time in ballet school where the instructor walked down the line as me and my friends were all lined up at the bar.  She pointed to each of us and told us if we needed to lose weight or not.  I was 12.  I was confused.  I couldn’t believe what she was doing.When I finally came to the point where I decided I didn’t like the way God made me.  My freckles, my fair skin, my face.  Was this why the boys didn’t like me?  I guess so.  And when I realized that I didn’t have control over that but what I did have control over was my body.  And I could change what it looked like which made me feel invincible, powerful, and like I was enough.Seeing the word “fatty” in place of my name scribbled on the garage wall where my brother was keeping score of our ping-pong game.The list goes on.  and on.  and on.The five pounds after my wisdom teeth were removed?  I think that simply sealed the deal.  I finally bought the lie that week:  If I lost weight, I could be who I always wanted to be.  Special. enough. in control.Although I have experienced gutteral pain this week, let me tell you:  there is an overall feeling of thankfulness.  Thankfulness that God would love me enough to bring me to this place.  To allow me to see the truth of my past.  To allow me to see my sin.  And choose for me to gain more healing through this.I’ll be back with a couple of updates on the next steps I believe God is calling me to take, so stay tuned!