Owning Ourselves - Part Two
Ladies! Happy New Year! I heart fresh starts, as those of you know that have been with me for a while. And let me tell you, I’ve never desired a fresh start more than this one!
If you haven’t downloaded the new years printable, I hope you will do that! All you have to do is go here and subscribe to my {almost] monthly letter + the blog posts. I take the whole month of January to think about my intentionals and say good-bye to the year prior. All that to say - it is NOT too late!!!
{And ps. I loved what you ladies shared in the comments in the last blog post. If you haven’t looked at those, I encourage you to do so. So much transparency and sisterhood. I know the post hit home for many of you.}
Picking up where I left off, I want to dig deeper into this concept of owning ourselves fully and how, if we have lost ourselves, we can do the necessary work to reclaim who we were meant to be.
I started jotting down all the different ways it has looked like for me to reclaim myself (as well as what I see with the women I support via groups and coaching) and I came up with twelve areas that have helped me this process.
I’m going to share a handful here and then I’ll share more in the {almost} monthly letter.
Acknowledging Hurts
I know this sounds fairly simple - name the hurts. But I have found it’s not near as simple as it might seem. I know for myself and a lot of the women that I support, we try to cover up our hurts. We work {hard} at minimizing them.
If we can justify our hurts and minimize them, it gives us a false sense of control over the pain.
Ladies, this is not how we fully become ourselves.
Instead, I want to encourage you to name what hurts. From the small hurts (a car honking at you in the carpool lane) to the massive hurts (betrayal). There are three important reasons to name what hurts:
we can’t forgive something that isn’t definable. By naming the hurts, we are able to move forward toward forgiveness.
by naming the hurts, we value ourselves.
by naming the hurt, we don’t take responsibility for someone else’s sins
(Boom - these came straight from the mouth of my coach, Dale during one of our coaching sessions back in 2017!)
So make a list of what hurts. And write it out like someone will believe it no matter what (i.e. without any judgment whatsoever).
Knowing Our Limits / Non-Negotiables
Limits and Non-Negotiables I oftentimes use interchangeably. But there is a bit of a nuance between the two. Think of a limit like you would a boundary. It’s your line in the sand. It’s what you are okay with and not okay with.
Non-Negotiables on the other hand are the things in recovery that you need to see from him in order to stay in relationship with him.
If we haven’t clearly defined our limits, we don’t even know where we end and where someone else begins. This, in effect, directly correlates to fully owning ourselves.
What can be challenging for women in recovery is skipping too far ahead. Instead of focusing on defining their limits and non-negotiables, it can be easy to focus on what might happen if those limits and non-negotiables aren’t honored. (And then all sorts of fears can bubble up as we grapple with - what if he won’t honor what I am asking?! Then what?)
Don’t skip ahead on this.
Start with exploring what your limits are. Here are a couple of questions to help you:
what am I not okay with?
what makes me angry? (oftentimes when we are angry it is because someone is crossing a boundary)
Similarly, by defining our non-negotiables, we are honoring ourselves and valuing ourselves. So think through: What do I need to see from me (and from him) in order to stay in relationship?
No More Hiding
This one falls in the #lifework category. Confession time: I’ve spent so many years hiding girls. If I'm TOTALLY honest and vulnerable with you - I've gotten good at hiding my Faith and my work / life story. Two incredibly important things for me to own.
My desire to be accepted and liked has trumped my desire to confidently own myself and be fully me.
True, there are certain situations where we might not feel safe being fully ourselves. And it’s important to name these spaces / situations and honor our intuition. AND, I know for me, there are also situations where I need to be (and am called to be) more myself.
What I have discovered literally in the last six months is being more myself = freedom and self-acceptance. It’s allowed me to spread my wings and accept ME. Even if others don’t.
Letting Others Go
One of the things I am leaving behind with 2020 is several awkward and painful conversations I had with others. In the spirit of bringing us full circle, in order to let it go, I have had to acknowledge the hurt (see #1 above!).
I’ve also had to intentionally make the choice to let these people (and/or their words) go. Yes, forgiveness. At some point, I can’t keep holding others prisoners in my heart that have hurt me. It’s hurting me - and actually keeping me tied to them - by not forgiving them.
And in letting others go - I’m fully becoming me. I’m reclaiming what is mine to own - a soft, open heart; ready to serve and love others.
Would so love to hear some of the ways you have been able to own yourself. Please comment below and know that I watch for your comments to come in and respond to them all!
On the journey with you! xo - Shelley