I attended a bible study this morning.  There were several reasons I couldn’t resist.  One of my best friends was leading the study.  I have no doubt this is the first of many she will lead.  I’m so excited for her and can’t imagine not being there to encourage her and cheer her on.  I also love the women that attend this particular church.  So, an opportunity to be with them?  Yes!  Last, I’m completely obsessed with Kelly Minter.  So, when I heard the group was starting with Kelly Minter’s Nehemiah…well, I was smitten.So I sat there this morning.  And as the minutes ticked by, I realized there was an even bigger and better reason I was there.  Because it was and will be where God shows up and teaches me more about myself and about Him.And this is what He shared with me this morning:

Nehemiah 1:4  “When I heard these things, I sat down and wept.  For some days I mourned and fasted and prayed before the God of heaven.”

The words that popped out on the page were:  wept, mourned, prayed.  I’ve done my fair share of grieving this week.  And God said this:  you do a great job of mourning and weeping; but when it comes to the praying…not so great.  Because I really haven’t said much to Him…except that I am mad.And it’s back to the theme in my life that won’t go away:  I think I can handle it on my own.  No need to ask for God’s help.  No need to share with Him how I really feel.  I’ve got it.  I’m in control.  But the reality is: I’m not.  And I don’t want to be, do I?And it’s not just with God that I have this attitude.  It effects other areas of my life. Take my son, Harrison, for instance.  22 months old, strong-willed little boy.  Need I say more?   He breaks me almost daily.  And it’s so hard for me to allow others to help me with him, much less ask for help.  And it’s embarrassing, his behavior, especially in front of my family.  And it sends me into a tail-spin.  And it’s ugly.Pride.  Control.  Self-Reliance.Now my mind is really clicking and I think back to the verse I read earlier this morning:

 Hebrews 12:6  “because the Lord disciplines those he loves…”

I can be mad, I can be angry, I feel hurt, I feel betrayed.  And if I choose:  God will use this, too.  And part of his plan is to discipline me.  Will I turn to Him?  Will I trust Him?  Or will I try to do this on my own?