I learn so much from the women God has given me to support on this journey.  I hear their stories and can't help but to step back and make connections based on what they each share.  I'm no researcher, that's for sure - but I try to be aware of the themes I hear.Lately, the words humility and empathy keep bubbling up to the surface.  I've heard women ask, "Is empathy even possible for my husband to learn?"  or "What if some men aren't capable of ever learning empathy?"  And humility.  "My husband will never admit it when he does something wrong."  "My husband is so defensive anytime I try to bring up a hurt from the past."Oh boy.Here is the deal - of course we as wives want our husbands to be men of integrity.  Of course we want them to only have eyes for us.  That's a given, right?  I told Jason - I will not share you with another woman.  Ever.  Again.  But what I didn't realize early on is - it doesn't stop there.  There is so much heart change that MUST come with this integrity change.  And unfortunately, a lot of men get sober.  And then they stop.  The heart change never comes.

In my opinion, two of the most important heart changes that we need to see in our husbands are humility and empathy.

Like I said, I wouldn't have been able to articulate this 12 years ago when I started my journey.  I didn't conceptualize that there was more than an integrity change that needed to occur.  And as Jason and I slowly started to bump our way through this process - I realized, this wasn't just about Jason pulling his secret sins into the light and turning from them.  It was also about sanctification.  About a complete and total heart change.  A death of the old Jason and the birth of a new Jason.I believe that although our husbands can never completely repay us for what they've done to us - they do get the chance to redeem themselves here on this earth.  They can learn how to be empathetic and humble.  And in doing this, they not only create a safe place for us to grieve, they also lead the way for us to learn these precious and so important fruits of the spirit.Girls, it is okay for us to expect humility and empathy on this journey from our husbands.  Not right away.  It takes intentionality, insight and healing for our husbands to get there.  In fact, it could take years.  But this is a must for them.  For us.  In order for our marriage to thrive.  In fact, it's life work.  We will always have to choose into empathy and humility instead of pride and self-protection.

Why?  Because our default setting is broken.

It will always be easier to be prideful and self-protective than humble and empathetic.

Is this putting into words something your heart desires?   If so, would you share a little about it here?If you see your husband working toward empathy and humility, what does this look like?  And does reading this give you assurance that he might be headed in the right direction?In the next blog post, I'm going to explore the nuts and bolts of empathy and humility.  After that, I'll share what it's looked like for Jason to cultivate these characteristics and we'll also give some practical tips that you can share with your husband that might help point him in the right direction.xo-Shelley