Over the last year or two, I’ve questioned God.  I’ve wondered why I needed to surrender my career in order to run after His plan for my life.  Why couldn’t I keep my foot in the door just for in case things don’t work out for me in the ministry world?  Well, I’m just over 3 weeks in and I can already see one benefit to what God was asking me to do.As I’ve alluded to in the past, my career was my security blanket.  Think of it as a bubble-wrap that I constantly wrapped myself in  (although not even realizing it until now).  Now that the cushion isn’t there, I feel insecure, raw, emotional.  It’s real and it’s necessary.  My eyes are wide open and attune to what is happening in my every day.  I believe God needed me to remove the idol from my life in order to open the door to the areas in my life that I needed to heal from, be more aware of, and make sense of.This reminds me of where I was after Jason disclosed his ugly truth and my world came crashing down on me.And so it seems again…these moments will just come crashing down.  Something happens and I FEEL it so strongly, like I never have before.  Take last week.  After a couple of what I would call typical and normal interactions with friends, I was in a place of deep sadness.  I don’t blame these incidents or these friends for bringing me to this place.  Rather, feeling so raw and open and not having my bubble wrap around me…allowed me to go to a different place after these specific incidences.

And this is what I thought:  Does anyone really know me?  Do they know who I am?  And what I need?  Who do I have in my life that is pouring into me?

Just typing this out, I feel pretty selfish for where I was and what I was thinking.  But it wasn’t just me being selfish.  Really, it was me FEELING.  It brought Jason and I to a place of sitting on the couch during the middle of the day and asking God to bring to us those that can disciple us and push us along.  It also brought me to a place of thankfulness for the friends in my life RIGHT NOW that pour into me and bless me on a daily basis.  And even now, four days later, I feel so sensitive to the very subject of friendship.  It’s been heavy on my heart.

How can I be a better friend?  How can I serve others?  How can I make sure they really know how much I care for them?

I know this place I am in is one of many reasons God has asked me to do what I didn’t want to do.  To rely on Him.  To ask Him in prayer for what I need.  To be thankful for what I have.  And to reevaluate my role in others lives.

Romans 8:26-28 “Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.”