Jason and I were walking through Target.  I felt like my heart was in the middle of the aisle.  And every woman, especially the more beautiful or provocatively dressed, came and stomped on it.  We couldn’t avoid them.  They were everywhere.  They are everywhere.  And I know, most of them are innocent.  But not my husband.  And if I can’t control him; can I control them?It only happened when I was with Jason.  If I were alone, I was able to tuck my heart back into my chest.  This was safer.  Note to self:  only go out alone, not with him.These memories are real.  And they will never go away.  But, I want to share something with you:  it isn’t this way anymore!Before Jason told me his ugly truth, I remember he was SO good about not checking out other women.  I hadn’t even ever had to have a conversation with him.  He just simply respected me.  And I was a lucky woman.  So I thought!So, when I knew his truth and I was living my worst nightmare, I realized that he continued to be dramatic about not looking at other women.  And I’d had enough.  We were in Target again.  I guess I like Target, for all reasons except these.  We were in the checkout line and I had pegged all the gorgeous bombshells within 100 feet.  Plotted on a map in my head.  Hoping to figure out how to get us out of there safely.  (Does this sound familiar to you at all?)  And then Jason spotted one of them.  And dramatically turned his entire body a different direction, not the direction we were moving.  And I asked him…”Can you just be normal?  For once?  I’m sick of this!”Fast-forward to last week.  Jason and I had a couple of glorious hours to sit eye to eye at a local Starbuck’s (thank you Jill!).  At one point, I asked Jason, are we in Greenwood Village, CO or are we in Dallas, TX?  This is what I saw:  tan skin, tight clothing, plastic surgery, revealing outfits.  (Sorry Dallas, but it’s true.)  As I sit here this week and reflect on it all, there wasn’t even one time that I questioned Jason’s integrity.  There wasn’t one time that I felt my heart even peek out of my chest.And that begs me to ask the question:  how did I get from Target to Starbuck’s?  From heart in the middle of the aisle to safely tucked away in my chest?Here are a couple of things that I believe helped me and helped us:

• Almost like a breath prayer, reminding myself that this isn't about me (although it feels like it at times).  Psalm 139:13-14 "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."
• Time.  We have been in recovery for almost nine years now.  It hasn’t taken nine years to get to this point.  But it has been a slow, gradual process.
• Surrendering to God.  I know, this is huge.  And certainly doesn’t deserve to be a final bullet point.  I pledge to you to come back to surrender again and again, so keep coming back.  During the first year of our recovery, I came to a place of realizing I would be okay without Jason.  Without my house.   Without my dignity. Without it all.  As long as I had God, I knew I’d be okay.  This underlying element of faith in the midst of the pain, was probably the most powerful aspect in letting go of my husband and his wandering looks and all the many women out there that may trip him up.  Faith doesn’t mean instant understanding.  But it centered me.

I’d love to hear from you.  Has this been a challenge for you when you are out in public with your husband?  How have you coped?  What has proved to be helpful and not so helpful?