What not to do during the quarantine

Weyal Girls.

I’m not sure as to exactly how we got here – but here we are.

Feels to me like I’ve been in the twilight zone since March 12th when we were notified that school would be cancelled until April 7th (now April 7th feels like a dream).  Something I know about myself – and have been reminded of lately is this:  it takes me a looooooooong time to process things.  I get overwhelmed easily and stepping away and getting grounded is critical.

The thing is – I don’t know that I ever really landed since the 12th.  And here we are – March 28th.

While I want to share with you some things to look out for specifically to the recovery process as we navigate this social distancing and shelter in place (I promise to do that in the next blog post) – in this post, I’d like to just share what NOT to do to make your life easier during this time.

And if you think that I’ve been doing these things over the last couple of weeks – well, you’re right.

So in the spirit of authenticity – I share with you what hasn’t been my finest of moments:

#1 – Look at the COVID-19 news right before your head hits the pillow.

#2 – Look at the COVID-19 news the second you wake up.

#3 – Eat a whole bag of tortilla chips every. single. day. of quarantine.  Possibly while reading the news.

#4 – Feel resentment and anger toward your sweet children for being born.

#5 – Get really angry at your husband for scheduling your email upgrade for the busiest work day of the week.

#6 – Get even more mad when said email upgrade doesn’t work and all the emails you send land in the recipient’s junk folder.  Three days later, the problem still hasn’t been fixed.

#7 – Get super annoyed at all the people on Insta for saying this is the time to live your best life by cleaning closets, organizing drawers and starting a new exercise regimen.  (Do these people understand what is going on here?!)

#8 – Get sick.

#9 – Did I mention the bag of tortilla chips?

#10 – Weep over the number of Rival Nerf darts you find in your kitchen, lying on the floor, in your sheets, and under the couch.

Speaking of Nerf Rival – this morning, Jason and I decided to conduct a business meeting in the living room and while we were having our very important discussion – our children were in the middle of a Nerf war.  I think I got shot in the back of the head and all we could do was start laughing.

This. Is. Our. Life.

So whether you are hitting it out of the park and living your best life stuck in your house – organizing, cleaning and making the most of it – Or whether your life looks more similar to mine – feeling so very thankful to have this past week in the books and thanking sweet baby Jesus that we will never ever have to repeat that week again – I do want you to know:

We are going to make it.  It might not be glamorous or glitzy.  In fact, it might look a little ugly at times (see above) – but we will make it.

Would love for you to share how you are really surviving these last couple of weeks.  And to be clear – I read every single one of your replies and try my best to reply back.  So share below – I would so love to connect with you.

xo – Shelley

Photo Credits here and here

 

Giving all our Emotions a Seat at the Table (not just the pretty ones)

I was walking home from school this morning and I was thinking about a relationship that I think has permanently ended.  It made me feel super sad.  I don’t remember exactly what I said to myself – but essentially I shut down giving myself space to feel sadness, disappointment and frustration.

My default setting is to try to talk myself out of my emotions, at least the negative ones and if I’m honest, sometimes the positive ones as well.  Not sure if this is programming from childhood or part of my DNA (I’m a one on the Enneagram and sitting right next to the nine – I have to admit that I thrive when there is harmony) or maybe it’s something else.  But it’s there and active and alive and something I have to continually be aware of.

When the negative emotions start to surface – I hear – “you shouldn’t feel this way” or “be grateful for what you do have” or “you really just need to move on”.

As I rounded the bend and headed down my street – I realized that I needed to give the sadness, the frustration, the disappointment a seat at my tableEach one of these emotions deserves space to breathe, space to have a voice, space to be heard and seen.

I’ve been using this metaphor recently and when I am feeling overwhelmed, I will literally walk out to my dining table and sit at the head of the table. (I know, I’m weird.)  I will then look at the empty chairs around the table and acknowledge that there are emotions and feelings that I am experiencing that all deserve a space.

Sadness – you sit here.  Frustration – come on over.  Disappointment – I see you – sit there.

At this point – it’s less about solving the overwhelm and more about acknowledging the overwhelm and experiencing it in order to work through it.

And this is the harder work – to acknowledge the emotions and feelings and sit with them versus to shush them and push them away  Pushing them away leads to isolation, loneliness, despair, stress.  Acknowledging them leads to connection, clarity, authenticity.

Depending on where you are at in this journey of betrayal – your table might be a 6-seater.  Or – if you are like me in the early days – I was looking at a banquet sized table – many many emotions and thus many many chairs.

Own your table and make space for those emotions!

____________________________________

So I gave the emotions this morning a seat at the table.  I saw my disappointment.  And then I explored it.  I heard my frustration.  And then I looked at what about the situation was causing me to feel frustrated.  I felt my sadness.  And acknowledged the reasons within that were causing the sadness to bubble up.

Fast forward to this afternoon – nothing has changed in the relationship.  Nothing has been solved.  But I feel more whole versus segmented.  Seeing and hearing the emotions has allowed me to be more deeply connected to myself.  I feel authentic and can breathe.

_________________________________

I’d love for you to try this exercise next time you sense that there are some heavy emotions bubbling up.  Give them ALL a seat at your table.  See them, hear them, give them space to breathe.

Then explore the emotions.  Here are some questions you can ask yourself:

What is causing this emotion to rise up?

What about this emotion scares me?

What would be the benefit of seeing and hearing the emotion and not doing anything else about it?

And for those of us that are ready to fix:  what does this emotion say about a next step I need to take in my journey?

While it’s true our emotions shouldn’t always be the predictor for the next decision we make – our emotions are there for a reason.  They are God-given, apart of our heart and soul.  As Proverbs 4:23 says –

Above all else, guard your heart.  For everything we do flows from it.

Let’s remember this as we go about our days.  Let’s honor and guard our hearts as we acknowledge what we are feeling, give the emotions a seat at the table and allow them to be seen and heard.

As always, would love to hear your thoughts.

xo – Shelley

Photo credits here and here

 

Strategies to go into Thanksgiving with Confidence

I’ve talked to a handful of women in the last couple of weeks begging the question – help me with Thanksgiving!!!  What am I going to DO?!

I hear you.  Navigating extended family and recovery work is freakin insane.  Some of the strategies Jason and I used early on in our process we still use today.  If I’m honest – which I will be – I still struggle with the holidays.  #workinprogress  It isn’t nearly as difficult as it used to be but it still takes intentional effort on our parts and a lot of conversations before, during and after.

Before I get to the strategies that can help us navigate the holidays with greater ease – let’s talk about why the holidays can be so hard.  I’ve narrowed it down to four big reasons and I want you to see if any of these hit home for you.  I know there are others out there and would love to hear what they are in the comments section below –

The pretend factor – Questions abound for us women as we are working through the early and middle stages of betrayal – Will what has happened to me be the elephant in the room?  Who knows what?  Will someone say something that will either embarrass me or send me to my room crying?

The space factor – Will I have space to grieve and to feel the emotions I need to feel with so many people around and so many activities going on?

The little boy factor – Will my husband assume the role he played in his family of origin once we are with his family?  Will he become enmeshed again with his mom while we are there?  Will he do whatever it takes – even throwing me under the bus – to get love and acceptance from his dad?

The we are changing factor – Just because we are changing (and aren’t we so glad that we have the capacity to do so!) doesn’t mean that anyone else around us is changing.  Unfortunately when one person changes in a family system – it can cause a disequilibrium and others in the family will react (for better or worse) to this change.  I hear a lot about negative reactions to the positive changes women are making which can be confusing for women that are working so hard to set boundaries, understand their limits, use their voices, etc.

As I tell the women I work with in my groups as well as in the one to one sessions I do – Having the insight and awareness is half the battle.  Being able to name what is going on is HUGE.  So if none of these factors above hit home – think about what might be playing in.  Name it.

So now for the fun stuff.  Let’s talk about what we can do to go into Thanksgiving week being grounded, more confident and less stressed.

Strategy #1 – Honor your feelings + name your reason.  Be real with yourself and at least one other person that you deem safe (preferably your husband but depending on his recovery work and where you guys are at in the journey – this might need to be one of your go-to girls or a friend or mentor, etc.) as to how you are feeling.

I am not saying that you are going to base your every move on your feelings.  No.  But I want you to stay connected with yourself.  Honor what you are feeling, name it, and share it.

Sometimes we go to a holiday gathering not because we are excited and looking forward to it.  Instead – we might feel scared, dreadful, sad – but we do it anyways.  And there is a reason.  Name it.  It might be that your kids get to spend time with their cousins or grandparents.  It might be that you want to honor your parents or his parents.  Keep the reason in mind and continue to honor how you feel as you walk through the event.

Strategy #2 – Ask yourself what YOU think, want, need and feel.  I talk about this briefly in the Rescued workbook in the self-care chapter.  I think it’s important to put everyone else’s needs and desires in a box when we do this exercise.  All we are doing is exploring what we think – want – need – feel.  And then after we explore – we can start to piece together the best way to move forward.

For example – recently I was talking to someone that shared she and her husband are separated and she didn’t know what to do about Thanksgiving and navigating his extended family and her extended family.  As we talked – I asked her – what do you need?  And what she really wanted and needed was permission to not have to go to her in-laws.  She knew it would be too difficult for her heart.  What this meant was she would have her littles with her family for part of the day and he would have them with his family for part of the day.  Oh the grief that she felt.  No momma wants to be without her kids for thanksgiving – and she also knew what her heart could tolerate and heading to the in-laws and faking it – not tolerable this year.

Strategy #3 – Have a plan.  Before the gathering (or before you leave for the trip or before your guests arrive for the week) – sit down with your husband and talk about the best way to stay connected and work as a team.  Jason and I still do this before every trip or holiday – whether it’s going to be just the 5 of us or the 5 of us plus the rest of our crazy family.

For instance, we plan out good times to step away and do a check-in (for us, it’s usually on a morning run).  Jason likes to get away for some alone time (introvert alert!) almost every day and I step up and watch the boys.  We talk about how we might need to protect ourselves emotionally and what our limits are in conversations, etc.

My hope is that each of you can approach next week feeling empowered, connected to yourself and more confident than in years past.  You can click here and here for some other posts that I’ve written in the past as you prepare your game plan.

You got this girl!

And as always, I’d love to hear your thoughts or answer your questions – just comment below and I will respond.

xo – Shelley

Photo credits here and here

Manna

Well Ladies – I am officially on a roll.  I have three littles in school and have a total of four hours to myself, five days a week.  Last week was the first week of this new schedule and I have to laugh – the day before my youngest started preschool – I was worried I would have too much free time.  I was slightly concerned that I might just roll around in bed all morning long and eat potato chips and watch “As the World Turns” or something similar.  Jason just laughed and shook his head when I told him my deepest worry for the Fall season.  How could he?!

Then – last week happened and it was a mixture of frenzy, glory and tears.  The words out of my mouth by the end of the week – “Four hours isn’t NEAR enough time!  No!!!”

I’d like to say that this is more of the perseverance that I spoke of in the last blog post – but I’d be kidding.  I am thankful for my small allotment of time.  It flies – but it’s filling my soul.

I’m listening to some different podcasts while I tidy the house (which how in the world could the 5 of us make such a mess in the morning that it takes me 90 minutes to pick up once everyone is up and running?! – does anyone else experience this?).  I’m starting to work on some projects that have been sitting on the shelf for far too long.  And I’m working hard to wake up before the boys for those 20 magical moments so I can read, journal, reflect, and pray.  Ladies – for real – this last part is so hard for me – but it is filling my soul.

Recently, I came across this devo that I had tucked into a rickety chest of drawers next to my desk until I finished this study which took me forev to do!  The devotional was given to me by a precious woman in one of my groups and in the introduction – the author, Nancy Guthrie talks about a horrific time in her life and her search for what could possibly get her through the next day, what could possibly fill her soul.  It was the author’s sister-in-law that answered – “manna”.

Just as the Israelites depended on God for food to get them through the day for 40 years – we as well depend on God to nourish our souls so that we as well can get through our days.  Especially when we think we might not make it.

And just as the Israelites couldn’t store up the food (except for the Sabbath) – nor can we.  As Nancy says – “every day, we need a fresh touch, a fresh word to nourish us and sustain us.  Yesterday’s manna, yesterday’s insights may inform us, but every day we need something new to keep us moving forward toward healing” (p.xvi, Nancy Guthrie, The One Year Book of Hope).  LURVE that!

These fresh touches, fresh words – oftentimes they do come in the still and quiet of the morning while my feet hit the pavement or while I am sitting in my cramped office, that also serves as a catch-all, reading a study or journaling to God.  But other times these touches and words come from my community – family and friends that know me.  And then there are those sweet times when it’s God disguised as a stranger.

Yesterday – the manna for my day – the thing that kept me moving forward toward healing was in the midst of a conversation I had with a fellow group facilitator.  We were processing something that came up in her group and she asked – when we choose not to show up – is it because we can’t accept ourselves right where we are at?

Her question gave me pause.  I’ve thought of all the times when I choose hiding over showing up.  When I lurk into the shadows instead of bravely walking into the light and saying – here I am – pain, hurt, ugliness and all.

It also had me wondering – what comes first – accepting ourselves (in isolation) before sharing the ugly with others?  Or sharing the ugly with others (in community) and then learning to accept ourselves as we see those around us accept us first?

I believe it’s the latter that is the more likely way we experience healing.  And that is a hard pill to swallow.  I’m reminded of something I re-read recently – We get hurt in relationships.  And – we heal in relationships.

As you continue on your journey toward hope, healing and wholeness – what is the manna that is getting you through today?  It could be words of truth in a conversation (like my example above) or it could be encouragement or grace or love.  I’d love to hear your thoughts below.

xo – Shelley

 

 

our wedding anniversary – 2018

Just a couple of days ago – Jason and I passed the 18-year mark in marriage.

While most couples would celebrate this with a card to each other at a minimum and a dinner and night away at a hotel at the other end of the spectrum – Jason and I did none of the above.

In fact, it wasn’t until I was driving to Red Rocks for an early morning workout that I realized…. it’s our anniversary!

As Jason and I went through the day together – we started to be silly and hug each other – then look at each other with one eye brow raised and say – Happy Anniversary.  I know what you are thinking so I’ll just say it out loud – this was the most non-glamorous anniversary imaginable.  No cards, no gifts, no nothing.

At least that is what it might look like from the outside.

However – on the inside there was so much more happening.

For starters, we talked throughout the day about how grateful we were to be married to each other.  And how innocent and naive our 23-year-old selves were on that day as we walked down the aisle.

I realized that – at least for the day – I had much less bitterness toward Jason than I had in the past on our anniversary.  In the past – I’ve felt so much hurt on our anniversary.  Because our wedding was a big fat lie.  What a waste.

Yet fast forward to this year – and I felt more grace than ever before for our younger selves.  More grace for Jason – knowing he was in a vicious cycle that was trying to forever take him down.  More grace for myself – that I wasn’t stupid or ignorant or blind but that I truly loved him and saw the best in him, not the worst – and certainly not his sexual integrity issues.

Second, I was able to take the day to remind myself that I have no regrets in staying with Jason.  Sure – there are no promises – I realize he is always one step away from blowing up our lives again.  I also realize that I’m one step away, too.  We are simply not the best CEO’s of our lives.  That’s why we need Jesus.

This – in fact – might be one of my biggest take-aways from this journey to date – we are all just one step away from blowing it up.

I used to think I was about infinity steps away – because I would NEVER hurt Jason by being unfaithful to him.  But as God has chipped away at my hard outer shell of arrogance and pride throughout this journey – I now see my faulty ways, too.  I need Jesus every. single. day.

Maybe I haven’t hurt Jason in the same ways he has hurt me – but I’ve hurt him nonetheless.  I am broken too.

(One caveat I need to mention here – you don’t need to look at your brokenness at the on-set of this journey.  If you are new in this process – you work on grieving – which includes a lot of kleenex, tears, snot and anger.  You’ll know when it’s time to work on you – but this is not the time and you are not the cause of your husband’s choices.)

And last – I was reminded of how much more I like myself today than ever before.  Girls – this one is just as HUGE.  Because when my marriage started to blow – I was convinced I was ruined.  My heart would never repair.  My soul was damaged for good.  Heaven come quick.

My biggest fear was I could never get the images, the stories, the experiences that my husband had without me – out of my mind.  I was tainted. Ruined. My life was over.

I am SO grateful to sit here in this coffee shop today as I type this post and tell you this – that has NOT been the case.

Sure – it has taken years to get to an inner peace in my heart and soul.  It’s taken a TON of grieving – more than I’d like to admit.  It’s taken going round and round with God and with Jason to get that repair work done.  Dang – it’s been intense.

And it’s been worth it.

So if you’re down and out and wonder – how will I ever get there – know that it’s one small step at a time.  It’s about the process.  Whether your marriage makes it or whether your marriage goes down in flames – know that YOU can and will make it.

Don’t stop fighting.  Never ever.

What is God calling you to do next?  Step out and do it – for yourself, for your marriage, for your children, for the legacy that you will leave behind.  Don’t wait.  Go now.

xo – Shelley

 

 

 

When God feels a million miles away

I mentioned in the last blog post about the most painful of sessions with my life coach.  I’ve continued to look back on April and wonder – what the heck was that and how did I get there?  So glad that month is over.

I genuinely think I was dealing with a situational depression of sorts.  I know a couple of the factors that played in – parenting being one of the biggies for sure.  And I’m also more than surprised that instead of clinging to God – I started to pull away from Him (why this takes me by surprise every time, I’m not sure!).  Pulling away from God did not help matters one bit.  In fact, it made things worse.

My daily alone time to read some of God’s truth gave way to hitting snooze on my alarm three to four times.  My desire to stay connected to God throughout the day with a skip in my heart gave way to wondering where He was and why He wanted to make my life so hard.

The gap started to widen.

It reminded me of the downward spiritual spiral I experienced just three years into my healing journey.

I wanted a break from recovery.

What I didn’t realize was that recovery and God were closely linked.  We had just moved to Denver and I was struggling to connect with other believers.  My heart started to slowly distance from God.  And before I knew it – I started wondering why would God allow the pain I had endured in my marriage.  That little break from recovery turned into a full-fledged spiritual crisis that lasted a good three years.

So back to last month – I knew deep down that the one thing I DID NOT want to happen was for my relationship with God to suffer.  And yet – how could I be true and real in the midst of my difficult season?  Could I even say I was struggling spiritually?

In some ways – I felt like that wasn’t an option.  “I mean come on now, I thought, people are counting on me.  I’ve got to be strong!  I’ve got to persevere.  And even if I need to fake it – I better do so.”

Stop the press – this is completely antithetical to what I teach and preach and emulate in my day to day.

What was I thinking?!

Someone wise proceeded to tell me – just because I’m questioning God and in a season of distrust with Him doesn’t disqualify me from helping others!  So to even think I needed to fake my relationship with God – no way.

At about this time – someone mentioned feeling distant from God in one of my groups and it opened up the door for me to say – “Me too”.  The heavy weight started to lift.  It wasn’t just me, it wasn’t just her – there were several of us.

I realized – although for some of us on this journey – our faith is what keeps us hemmed in – for others of us – there is a real spiritual crisis that we find ourselves walking through.

The latter can be down right scary.

Note to self – this is a critical part of the process if you find yourself here.  To have the space to question God.  To say things like – I don’t understand God’s timing.  I don’t understand His ways.  I don’t think He hears me.  In fact, I’m pretty sure He is a million miles away.

It’s hard stuff to say.  And hard stuff to hear.  Especially when there are no answers in the moment that can offer much reassurance.

I’ve noticed for myself that feeling and being heard can sometimes be the best medicine.  Not necessarily an answer but rather someone simply saying – “I hear you and you’re not crazy.  It makes perfect sense.  Me too.”

So if you’re finding yourself strong-arming God and questioning His goodness (for instance, you might be reading this and asking – what goodness?!) – I want you to know you are safe here.  You are not alone.  This is incredibly common for women walking this journey of betrayal.  I’d love to hear more about what you are struggling with.  I might not have the answers but I can tell you I get it.  I’ve been there.  And surprisingly (or not!), I’ll be there again.

A half-gallon of ice cream versus connecting – it’s a hard choice.

About a month ago now, I had one of the most painfully awkward sessions with my life coach to date.  I could have thought of a million things to do besides chat with her for fifty minutes.  I was in such a terrible funk – the LAST thing I wanted to do was to TALK.

I don’t know if any of you can relate to this – but when I’m feeling not just down but in the dumps – it is incredibly difficult for me to reach out.  Tillamook chocolate chip ice cream and my bed covers sound much more appealing.

However – this is quite the opposite of what I “preach” to the ladies that come along side me via support groups or at speaking events.  This journey of healing from betrayal has shown me that it’s being fully known (intimacy) with those that I feel safe with that will actually help me move through the down-dumps with grace; not isolating under the covers with a half-gallon of ice cream. {Although seriously?!  That sounds really nice in the moment!  Can we call that some self-care or what?!  All kidding aside – the problem is – after the ice cream is downed – and I come out from under the covers – I’ve done nothing to move through the feelings.  I’m back at square one.}

And yet, the default setting is broken and my flesh will always want to hide and isolate more than the desire to reach out, connect and share it like it is.  Yes, I point to Adam and Eve for part of the explanation – because what did they do in the Garden of Eden?  They hid.

There is a residual level of this desire to hide in all of us.

But why else might it be so hard for me to reach out when I’m in the spiral?  A couple of other reasons come to mind –

The fear of not being loved or accepted if I’m not happy.  Not sure when or where this fear developed but in a world where we put on a mask when we walk out the door – it’s no surprise that I fear I won’t be accepted if I’m down.

Lack of control.  I talk to so many women that say they have control issues.  Me too!  It’s just I like to put a different spin on it – I’m a control enthusiast!  Being down and sharing it with others – the ugly cry, the darkness, the hopelessness – it’s pretty out of control.  And that’s not a comfortable place for me.

The fear that if I actually allow myself to go there – I’ll stay there forever.  Oftentimes I believe if I can just stay on the edge of a complete melt-down, I’m doing myself a favor.  Because if I do melt – there is no turning back and who knows HOW long it will take to climb back out of the hole.  Taps into the powerlessness mentioned above.

The list goes on and on – the point is – there are some real reasons that I move toward complete isolation and withdrawal when I’m starting to spiral.

Back to my session with my life coach – I realized I’d never truly allowed anyone (except Jason) to see me the way I presented to her that Thursday afternoon in April.  I was convinced by the end of the session that she’d fire me.  And if she didn’t fire me on the spot – certainly when we met again – she’d give me the axe.

But girls – two weeks later when our next session came around – she started our session by saying this – “I have more admiration and respect for you because of how you came onto the call and sat with me on the call two weeks ago.”

I wanted to fall out of my chair (but thankfully was firmly planted in it).  She didn’t fire me.  In fact, she did quite the opposite.  She loved me even more.

The TRUTH is – when we show our brokenness to others – they love us more.  When we confess our shortcomings, when we share our fears, when we look up with tears in our eyes and say – I’m a mess – that’s when love comes a-pouring in.

I KNOW this because I see it happen in my groups, I’ve seen it happen with Jason, and I experienced this big time one month ago with Dale.

AND… I also know, that there will probably never be a day when this comes easy.

So I’m closing with this – I’m begging you to show up by being you.  If you are down, say it.  If you feel hopeless – express it.  If you feel angry – get it out.  Let’s all commit to bringing our full selves to the table.  Not what we think others want to see, but how we actually feel.  Right now.  Today.  And every day.

Amen.

The Dear Me Series – #2

One of the final exercises I instruct the ladies to do as apart of the RLFW support groups is to write a “Dear Me” letter.  Although there is a ton of trepidation to take part in this exercise – time and time again, it proves to be really meaningful.  To be able to look back and talk to your younger you and encourage and inspire her!  To look back and tell her that she’s going to make it – it’s powerful.

I was inspired to include this in the workbook after reading about others that wrote a letter to their sixteen year-old selves.  You can read a couple of examples here and here.

The letters the ladies in my groups write are to the younger version of themselves when everything hit the fan and they felt lost, without hope, and were looking for that life preserver to get them through the day in front of them – not the next week, not the next year – just the next day.  Can any of you relate?

Thank you, Kim for sharing your letter with such courage here today.

_______________________________________________________________________

Dear Me,

Never underestimate the power of the Holy Spirit or the protection of your angel. You were listening to that inner voice (the Holy Spirit’s guidance) on the night of discovery. The voice that directed you to check his phone despite your belief that he was totally faithful. There was no reason for you to wake up in the middle of the night and check. But you did and that started a journey you could have never imagined. God knew that you and your husband were ready to begin a new kind of healing. One that would be mostly out of your hands and in the willingness of your husband to work and to change. That is where God will show you how to depend on Him and Him alone for your comfort.

Don’t be too hard on yourself as you doubt things the first year after discovery. You will try to understand what is going on and how to address your doubts but you just won’t have the tools yet.

Continue to trust in God’s timing and the need for process, because the recovery road will be a process for you and your husband.

Good job on listening to the Holy Spirit again and for finding your voice to say that things were still not right and the connection was not there. Good job for insisting that you both seek help as you reached out for counseling. Good job on trusting your inner voice that there was more to learn and for braving through more discovery. God will be there during this time providing you a super spiritual ability to hold onto God while you fight for your marriage. God will provide even as you doubt.

You don’t know this, but your courage to reach out for help will be where God meets you with true healing. As you join Shelley and the other ladies you will think it’s a group that will provide comfort to you on this journey. It will be much more than that. It is where you will learn how to use your voice, set boundaries and gain tools for true redemption. You will work with your group and you will ultimately become closer to the women God wants/needs you to be. You will use what you learn, not only in your marriage but in your parenting and friendships. You will have a better understanding of community and the way God intended it for good. This process is ordained by God and he will meet you there to offer you protection and healing.

Dear Me, I promise that you will feel God’s presence throughout this journey.

Perhaps His closeness will be felt most as you forgive your husband on the mountain top where you married him. It is something you could never have imagined on the night of discovery or even during that first year of recovery. Use your righteous anger to get to the depths of your hurt. Don’t push yourself to forgive because when you finally feel God’s leading to forgive, it will provide you true freedom. You will feel ready to forgive your husband even though God’s work in him is not complete.

Be patient. You will understand God’s redemption like never before as you watch your husband fight for your trust and learn how to connect with you in a deeper and more spiritual way.

You could never know this on the night of discovery, but the timing for all of this is ordained by God. You know this because of the healing that has occurred over the past 3 years. Although there have been many ups and downs, stops and restarts, God has carried you. You now rest in a place of connection with your husband, trust in God’s process and true healing for yourself. Know that this will be a lifelong process of healing and keep trusting that God will show up.

______________________________________________________________________

A little about Kim – she loves to spend time with her two adult daughters and go on adventures with her husband as they enter this new phase of empty-nesting.  She is happy eating enchiladas, volunteering and searching for profound quotes to get her through the day.

And if you missed the first Dear Me Letter – you can read it here.

Image credits here and here.

The Dear Me Series – #1

One of the final exercises I instruct the ladies to do as apart of the RLFW support groups is to write a “Dear Me” letter.  Although there is a ton of trepidation to take part in this exercise – time and time again, it proves to be really meaningful.  To be able to look back and talk to your younger you and encourage and inspire her!  To look back and tell her that she’s going to make it – it’s powerful.

I was inspired to include this in the workbook after reading about others that wrote a letter to their sixteen year-old selves.  You can read a couple of examples here and here.

The letters the ladies in my groups write are to the younger version of themselves when everything hit the fan and they felt lost, without hope, and were looking for that life preserver to get them through the day in front of them – not the next week, not the next year – just the next day.  Can any of you relate?

Thank you, Erika, for going first.  I hope each of you enjoys this first installment of the Dear Me series.

_________________________________________________________________

When you think of the early days and all the tears you cried. The number of times you cried yourself to sleep and even wept while you were sleeping. Only to wake up to a wet pillow, praying that it was just a dream. Know that God holds your tears. He was there crying right beside you.

You’ve come a long way since discovery. You waited many, many months for disclosure, and are still waiting for the amends letter. You constantly struggled with replaying all these years over and over in your mind hoping for a different outcome that is not going to happen. Slowly, you’ve learned to live with the facts of the past and forgive, not for him but you. Although it has been a long journey and came at the cost of innocence, you have peace you didn’t have two years ago.

You may never fully understand his choices of betrayal. But rest assured that his decisions do not mean you failed as a wife, or as a woman. Contrary to well-meaning advice, it wasn’t due to your lack of prayer, or encouragement, or availability to have sex or any other thing a Christian wife is “supposed to do and be.” Remember that no matter whom he married he would be this way. Your disability has not made you worth less than other women.

I know how desperately you wished you knew the truth a long time ago, especially before your health deteriorated. At times you have felt cheated, and that life is unfair. That’s because you were and it is. It is OK to feel this way at times. At the same time recall how God has been there with you, drawing you closer to Him.

Be kind to yourself that you didn’t put the pieces together. How could you? Who would think he was doing the things he was while at the same time having a fruitful ministry? Who thinks their husband is capable of such things? He was a master liar and manipulator who worked carefully to hide the facts and make you doubt the things you raised.

Be proud that you stand up for yourself now. That you realize you do not need to protect everyone and try to make sure everyone else is happy, especially at your own expense. As you continue to forge new patterns in your relationships, remember what you want matters at least just as much as others want. It is not selfish for you to want others to give and not just take.

As you go forward, listen to that inner voice. Let your words continue to match your feelings. Stand your ground and enforce your boundaries. It’s OK to be scared right now because you don’t know if your marriage will survive.

You’re not ready for this to be your story. That’s OK. You promised yourself that you would not let this experience harden your heart and make you bitter. Hold onto that promise.

_____________________________________________________________________

A little about Erika – she enjoys listening to audio books, working on jigsaw puzzles, and mentoring people with cerebral palsy.

Photo credits here and here.

I’ve got work to do – Part 3

Before reading this post, it will help to read Part 1 and Part 2 of “I’ve got work to do”.  I’d hate to confuse you anymore than necessary!

As I mentioned in Part 2, I received some feedback from my life coach as I was doing this forgiveness work.  She pointed out two areas that, for all intents and purposes, I missed.

Here are the two critical parts in my big release that I didn’t realize would be helpful to my healing –

Part One – I didn’t spend near the time and effort writing out why I felt hurt in these four five relationships (okay, seriously, I am feeling insecure that I might be coming across as super unhealthy given the number FIVE.  Oh well.  It’s my truth today.  The end).  I was advised to write out every single thing that hurt and to shush the “fairness police” peering over my shoulder telling me I’m too sensitive or too whatever.  Instead, by doing naming the hurts, we are choosing to value ourselves.

Part Two – In releasing others (aka forgiving them), it’s helpful to remember we are forgiving past hurts – not necessarily on-going hurts where there hasn’t been a chance to detach, get safe, and grieve.  As in, oftentimes, we must get some distance and perspective before forgiveness can take place.

Check out this excerpt from Boundaries

“Forgiveness has to do with the past.  Reconciliation and boundaries have to do with the future.  Limits guard my property until someone has repented and can be trusted to visit again.” (page 263)

Going a little further, something we can ask ourselves is this – What will I do differently next time? By asking this question, I’m able to actively figure out what I can do (not anyone else) in the future to help guard my heart in a healthy way.  Empowering.

____________________________________

So a couple of days later, I went back to the drawing board.  I listed out the hurts. I thought through and wrote down what I will do differently next time.  And let me just tell you – this was SO validating and healing for me.

Doing these extra couple of steps also helped me come to this realization – a lot of my “do differents” had more to do with boundaries and self-control than anything else!  (I literally pulled back out my boundaries book and have been flipping through it over the last couple of days.)  Again, empowering to figure out what I can do differently moving forward!

All that said, let me tell you ladies – I am under no such illusion that because I have released these five precious women from my heart – that I will never ever struggle with feeling bitter or resentful toward them.  I know this all too well from my forgiveness journey with Jason.

Jesus take the wheel!

What I DO have is greater peace.  Greater freedom.  My load is lighter because I have let them go.  I’m not spending near the amount of emotional energy thinking about the hurt!

If any of this is hitting home with you – I want you to know, you can do this too!  I’ve never met someone that needs help with forgiveness more than me!  So, whether it be forgiveness work related to betrayal or forgiveness work in a completely different relationship, there is freedom awaiting you!  Chances are, it won’t be glitzy or glamorous.  It will happen only with a LOT of effort on the front end followed by creating a quiet space to meet with Jesus and allow Him to work through you in a mighty and mystical way that we can’t explain.

One last thing, remember as I mentioned above, forgiveness requires a LOT of grieving and naming the hurt.  I used to think I could forgive in order to circumvent the grief process but I know differently today – grieving is a big part OF the forgiveness journey.

xo – Shelley