on surrender. {and being small}

Saturday, April 16th, 2016

Hello Lovely Ladies!

This blog post comes to you from my bedroom.  Where I’ve been fighting what I assume to be the flu for four days now.  Joy to the world.

I tried to embrace this sickness.  And I wasn’t surprised at all to come down with something.  My stress had been mounting over the last couple of weeks over – of all things – taxes.  For the love.

But by last night, I was done.  I’d had enough.  I felt so pathetic.  Inadequate.  Powerless.  Achy.  Smelly.  You get the picture.

surrender1

A girlfriend dropped off some soup that is also sick (misery loves company) and she made a comment about how God was teaching her something in this, too.

Stop the brakes.  Oh yeah.  God is in this, too.

It was her comment that started my release.

I realized, I needed to surrender.

I started humming the old hymn, “I surrender all”.  And then proceeded to cough and choke.  So I quit the humming.  I’ll just sing it in my head…

My to-do list?  I surrender.

My parenting this weekend?  I surrender.

{One of} my mail piles?  I surrender.

There is a sweet release in surrendering.  But why is it so hard to get there?  Well – maybe for me – it’s because I don’t like feeling small.

This carried over into a text exchange I was having with one of my go-to girls this morning – did I mention she is sick, too?

mailpile

What does it look like to embrace being small?

What does it look like to really and truly be okay right where I’m at?  Right where you’re at?  Especially when we feel small… trusting that God has a purpose for us every. single. day.

It might be that you are sick this weekend like me.  Or it might be something more crushing – like a marriage that is barely holding on.  Or a diagnosis that won’t go away.

I want so badly to be okay with where God has me.  I want to be Shelley and nobody else.  And if that means being small and inadequate and imperfect, then okay.  But boy, do I ever fight it.

There are a lot of us women out there running to the same finish line.  Unfortunately, I see a lot of pushing and shoving – in order to get there first. or better. or more perfect.  Myself included.

Let’s just stop.

What would it look like for us to pause?  And cheer someone else on?  To find the least of these and move them along even if it means we finish last?

What would it look like if we really thought of others better than ourselves?  Not in a self-pitying sort of way but in a Christ-like honoring sort of way?

What if we stepped back and allowed others to go first, be first?

It takes a secure woman to do these things which I seriously lack half the time.  But just talking about this perspective helps.  It helps me feel relieved that it’s okay where I’m at and it’s okay where you’re at.  God has a purpose for each of us.  Today.

Okay.  Deep breath.  I’m glad we could have this talk.

And if your head is spinning, like mine, take two ibuprofen and let’s chat in the morning.

xo-Shelley

ps.  I’d love to hear – what do you feel God asking you to surrender?  Cheesy or serious – would you share?

8 thoughts on “on surrender. {and being small}

  1. Jaleen

    April 16, 2016  |  10:51 pm

    Oh, that feeling “small” just struck me hard. I feel so small lately, especially when it comes to parenting. I feel so inadequate, like I have been absent for months upon months, and now I face a mountain of hurdles with our baby and don’t know who to trust and what to do to move forward. Phew! God is in this too. I need his strength and peace BAD. I am thankful that it is okay to be where I am at. Thanks for those words today!


    • Shelley Martinkus

      April 16, 2016  |  11:15 pm

      There isn’t a better momma for those two little boys God gave you than you! Thanks for chiming in as I already feel stronger knowing I’m not alone.


  2. Michelle

    April 17, 2016  |  12:53 pm

    Hi Shelley , so sorry your sick.
    I think it’s my control , well the illusion of control. I need to let go of.
    It’s making me crazy , hyper vigilant , and ill. I’ve been sick for weeks. I can’t find joy in what has always given me joy . Because I’m obsessed, with my husbands affair the details the why .
    How can I forgive when I can’t get the facts .
    I’ve become someone I don’t recognize or even like .
    I surrender this to God, often, and I pick it back up .
    So thank you , I’ll take a deep breath … Get quiet with God and try again. I’ll embrace being small . I’ll try try try to get an outward focus going on , I dont like where I am.
    Thank you , you may not realize how much you put others first , you allow Jesus to love us through you. You share his hope you keep it real ..
    You , just by being you , help rescue me.
    Hugs


  3. Sally

    April 17, 2016  |  08:15 pm

    Ev-er-y-thing. Everything. I feel like God has just stripped me to the bone. Down to just nothing except maybe my essence. Like “hey Sally-see this? This is you. Not the job, not the kids, not the marriage, not the house, not the husband, not your physical being…this…this is your spirit. Now love it and begin again.” And I’m thankful. In the midst of it I’m thankful. But lord have mercy. I feel naked and afraid. But also kind of sparkly and strong. Does that make sense?


  4. Sally

    April 17, 2016  |  08:16 pm

    And I hope you feel better soon. I feel a little sick just reading your post. Cough cough.


  5. Michelle M.

    April 18, 2016  |  11:07 am

    Thank you Shelly for your words. I too just finished my tax deadline frenzy last Wednesday. I discovered my husbands affair and porn viewing in late February and just couldn’t think about taxes. Literally could not think. The good news is I had self care and kept postponing our appointment.
    My husband is repentive and doing a lot to earn my trust. It’s just so soon after diccovery that I feel like I want more time to stomp my feet and be mad but I know that God is in this situation and I need to lean on on him and his care.
    Just like Jaleen I am feeling bad about my parenting as I am so distracted right now with my thoughts. All of the who, what,t where, and why’s of it all circle in my mind. One minute I’m giving it to God the next minute I’m mourning what I thought my life was with this man.


  6. Stacy

    April 19, 2016  |  11:58 pm

    God’s timing is perfect. I feel so small as I surrender my marriage in this very moment. As I type my husband is packing his things. We are entering a therapeutic separation, he leaves in the morning. I feel inadequate to comfort my kids, feel like a failure as a wife, and feeling the weight of the heavy blanket of regret as a woman. I am holding on tight to the words you just
    wrote…. “trusting that God has a purpose for us every. single. day.
    Thank you for your blog post today. Just what I needed.


    • Shelley Martinkus

      April 20, 2016  |  04:04 pm

      Oh Stacy, this is big time surrender that you are facing. Praying that your day has been one filled with an overwhelming peace that only He can give.

      xoxo


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.