Making Amends – Part 2
Thursday, December 19th, 2013
So I’m on day 4 of praying to God. Asking my dear friends to pray with me. And getting clarity on how to move forward with this amends process.
This morning, lying in bed, I went over my list. In particular the ones I was still not sure about. And I just decided, if I’m not sure; I should probably go ahead and make the amends. Especially if it isn’t hurting them and will do me some good.
As I think about it, I realize that the amends is more for me.
I’ve decided to give myself a couple of days. I’ll continue to listen to God. I’ll continue to ask. I feel weary. And I feel like I need to be still and let this all set in before moving forward.
And He is faithful. I told Jason a bit ago that I remembered something else I need to make an amends on. It is completely unrelated to the eating disorder. I shared the memory with him. Although scary, it always feels better to come clean.
And Jason said this is the exact reason we need a Savior. Because left on our own, we are not well. It reminds me of something I read in Psalms this morning:
Psalm 119: 67, 71
“Before I was afflicted, I went astray, but now I obey your word. It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees.”
The shame I’ve been feeling is slowly being replaced by awe, thankfulness, and peace.
This is work.
I’m holding close to a verse Jill gave me yesterday:
Micah 7:19 “You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.”
As she shared this verse with me, she told me to think of it as if there is a sign posted at the bank. It says: NO FISHING ALLOWED. And neither I nor God nor anyone else is allowed to fish out the iniquities.
This is good.
This is redemptive.
This helps me have compassion on what Jason worked so hard at ten years ago.
I’ll be back soon with an update. The hard work isn’t over yet. And in some ways, I fear it’s just begun.