I’ve got work to do – Part 3
Monday, December 4th, 2017
As I mentioned in Part 2, I received some feedback from my life coach as I was doing this forgiveness work. She pointed out two areas that, for all intents and purposes, I missed.
Here are the two critical parts in my big release that I didn’t realize would be helpful to my healing –
Part One – I didn’t spend near the time and effort writing out why I felt hurt in these
four five relationships (okay, seriously, I am feeling insecure that I might be coming across as super unhealthy given the number FIVE. Oh well. It’s my truth today. The end). I was advised to write out every single thing that hurt and to shush the “fairness police” peering over my shoulder telling me I’m too sensitive or too whatever. Instead, by doing naming the hurts, we are choosing to value ourselves.
Part Two – In releasing others (aka forgiving them), it’s helpful to remember we are forgiving past hurts – not necessarily on-going hurts where there hasn’t been a chance to detach, get safe, and grieve. As in, oftentimes, we must get some distance and perspective before forgiveness can take place.
Check out this excerpt from Boundaries –
“Forgiveness has to do with the past. Reconciliation and boundaries have to do with the future. Limits guard my property until someone has repented and can be trusted to visit again.” (page 263)
Going a little further, something we can ask ourselves is this – What will I do differently next time? By asking this question, I’m able to actively figure out what I can do (not anyone else) in the future to help guard my heart in a healthy way. Empowering.
So a couple of days later, I went back to the drawing board. I listed out the hurts. I thought through and wrote down what I will do differently next time. And let me just tell you – this was SO validating and healing for me.
Doing these extra couple of steps also helped me come to this realization – a lot of my “do differents” had more to do with boundaries and self-control than anything else! (I literally pulled back out my boundaries book and have been flipping through it over the last couple of days.) Again, empowering to figure out what I can do differently moving forward!
All that said, let me tell you ladies – I am under no such illusion that because I have released these five precious women from my heart – that I will never ever struggle with feeling bitter or resentful toward them. I know this all too well from my forgiveness journey with Jason.
Jesus take the wheel!
What I DO have is greater peace. Greater freedom. My load is lighter because I have let them go. I’m not spending near the amount of emotional energy thinking about the hurt!
If any of this is hitting home with you – I want you to know, you can do this too! I’ve never met someone that needs help with forgiveness more than me! So, whether it be forgiveness work related to betrayal or forgiveness work in a completely different relationship, there is freedom awaiting you! Chances are, it won’t be glitzy or glamorous. It will happen only with a LOT of effort on the front end followed by creating a quiet space to meet with Jesus and allow Him to work through you in a mighty and mystical way that we can’t explain.
One last thing, remember as I mentioned above, forgiveness requires a LOT of grieving and naming the hurt. I used to think I could forgive in order to circumvent the grief process but I know differently today – grieving is a big part OF the forgiveness journey.
xo – Shelley