I’ve had a couple of gals email me recently asking about a particular part of the process that they are really struggling with. It’s something that I know many of you can relate to. It’s summed up in these questions – how will I ever move past the pain? How can I look at him, touch him – without thinking of her or without thinking of what he has done? Will I ever be able to look at him and not think about the pain and the hurt?
After Jason shared his ugly truth with me – my new reality set in slowly. There was the usual shock and denial that helped me absorb the weight of his actions. Anger was soon to follow with bouts of further shock and denial; as well as hopelessness and depression. It wasn’t long before I realized – I was in the thick of grieving.
As I continued to grieve – the pain never quite seemed to leave me. It was always just one trigger or one thought away.
I was able to busy myself with my career or with socializing with friends. But it was always there. Like a heavy bag around my shoulder with contents I couldn’t seem to unload.
And it would meet me at the most unexpected of times. I might be talking with a friend and boom – something would remind me of Jason’s infidelity. Or I might be minding my own business driving down the street and bam – out of nowhere, it would hit me like a ton of bricks.
These crude reminders that yes – this is my life. My husband was unfaithful and now I am broken – possibly beyond repair. As one woman this week said – she is haunted by what he has done.
I wondered during those times – would the weight – the heavy bag I was carrying – ever go away? Could I ever live a normal life again? Free from the constant reminders, the constant pain, the weight of it all?
Below are three things that helped me move forward through the weight, through the constant reminders, through the thoughts that held me down –
Three things I needed in order to move forward
The first thing that I needed was validation. Keeping the thoughts and the feelings bottled up inside did me little to no good. It wasn’t long before I couldn’t handle it anymore and I needed to get it out. Sharing with Jason was potentially most helpful. Receiving validation from the one that has wronged us can really do wonders but Jason wasn’t always in a place to do this. If Jason was in a place of humility and was willing to listen to my pain – then sharing my pain with him was fruitful. But there were times when I had to rely on a group of women that God had placed in my life.
When it came to my go-to girls – early on, I didn’t need someone to fix me. I didn’t need someone to tell me what to change. I just needed someone to sit in the pain with me. To be empathetic and to hear the depths of the pain that I was experiencing.
Born out of the validation and empathy I received from others – I was able to validate myself. And this, my friends, was huge. To not minimize or shame myself but rather to say – yes, this pain is unbearable. This weight is too much to carry. The hurt is real and these women I trust say it’s brutal, too.
Girls – I had to get really really good at stopping my brain from being on the hamster wheel. This. Well… it was a process.
I had to work HARD to set down the bag of hurt and pain and walk into an exercise class and just tell myself – I’m leaving this at the door and it will be here when I come back out. I can pick it up then.
I’d be driving around in my car in those early years (I worked out of my car) and I’d have to say out loud – “BRAIN STOP. Just stop. I’m going to take a break. I’m not going to think about this right now.”
I’d focus my mind on memorizing Bible verses in my car (my mom would be so proud if she knew this!) or immersing myself into a good book – just to get a break from the constant that was in my head and heart.
If I were to stay married to Jason – he had to allow God to transform him. God transforming my husband = the weight in the bag became lighter. Jason not doing the hard work God needed him to do = I’m carrying the bag. And while Jason couldn’t fully ever take away my pain – he could work toward cultivating character traits that would help me drop the bag and run back to him.
And when I say change – I’m not just talking about living with integrity. I’m talking about the deeper heart change that had to take place. Trading the pride for humility, switching out hopelessness and resignation for determination and leading the way, exchanging a posture of unforgiveableness to one of being forgiveable.
In effect – what Jason was able to do was to pick up my bag of pain and give me the respite I needed to keep going. When he was humble and I came to him with my hurt – he was in effect saying – I see you, I hear you and what you are going through isn’t okay. I should have never put you here in the first place. And I’ll sit with you in this for as long as it takes and help your heart heal.
This transformation didn’t happen overnight. There was a lot of waiting and watching on my part, not knowing what the future might hold – would the marriage be restored? Or would I heal on my own?
I’ve heard it said – “What God does in us while we wait is as important as what we are waiting for.” (John Ortberg)
It was through the wait that I learned to lean on God and trust Him before anything else. It was through the wait that I learned what it looks like to surrender my life to Him. It was through the wait that God started a good work in me, cultivating character and strength, hope and love; and born out of the suffering – immense joy.
xo – Shelley
I want to make sure each of you is aware of the Restore Workshop coming to Irvine, CA; March 1-3, 2019. I would love for you to join me for a weekend of laughing, crying and digging deep. No doubt you will leave feeling restored and with a plan for wholeness and healing.
Below is a letter I received from a woman that attended Restore in 2017 (names have been changed for privacy). I hope it encourages you as you consider your next steps.
I hope all is well! I attended the Restore conference in October 2017 – I can’t believe it’s been over a year. I’ve been wanting to reach out and let you know that what you do is amazing. Restore was really a turning point for me…it helped me find my voice again and begin taking control of my life.
I wish I could say that I came home from Restore and Jake came home from Every Man’s Battle and we’ve been working on our marriage ever since, but that’s just not my story. Our divorce was final in July after his affair continued for a year and a half from the time I found out. I bought a home last spring and the kids and I have settled into our own routine. We continue to do things together as a family for special events and I can say, if there’s a silver lining, it’s that he’s a more present dad now when he’s with them. But silver linings are actually the real reason for my note to you today…
When I was at Restore I had the strangest emotional reaction…I was jealous of most of the other women. It seemed like most of the husbands came back from EMB and wanted to work on things – that there was some level of remorse or regret they’d expressed – but I didn’t have any of that. Of course he was telling me he was willing to work it out, but there was no action, no sincere apologies, no change. It wasn’t until I went to Restore that my eyes were finally opened to that.
Since then I have truly learned the power of prayer. I can’t tell you the number of times I desperately needed something and prayed about it and my prayer was answered almost immediately…as if God was right there holding my hand. Of course the ultimate prayer I prayed – for my marriage to be saved – didn’t happen, but I know now more than ever that He answers the prayers that need to be answered for my good, and at just the right time. Despite that prayer I prayed I continued to feel God urging me to leave the marriage. Shortly after the divorce was final I found out that Jake and his then mistress were expecting a child. I’m so thankful I was no longer trying to hold on to my marriage when I found that out…it would have been a thousand times more painful. Instead, I was free to grieve and hand it over to God to help my children with the transition. I was so incredibly grateful it wasn’t my burden.
Just this past Friday I had something weighing heavily on me – it was a strong urging that I needed to reach out to you to share a little about my story. On Sunday, the pastor of our church led us in a prayer, not for opportunity, but for boldness. To reach out to someone who you’ve been thinking of and wanting to share your faith story with and to do it, to share your story. I knew I was supposed to reach out to you. I’m still not entirely sure why – I’m sure you have women who thank you and share their story with you every day.
I do want you to know that I’m willing to share my story if you ever need someone. I won’t be the woman who was able to make her marriage work, but I will be the woman who was able to find hope through prayer even in the darkest times of this devastating situation. I won’t be the woman who felt the benefits so many do after their husbands go to EMB, but I will be the woman who found strength from the Restore conference. Please let me know if you ever need a written or video testimonial, or even a live guest speaker. I’d love to share my story and maybe help another woman find peace and hope when things seem hopeless.
If you know me well – you know how passionate I am about the new year. Maybe it’s because I am so relieved to have made it through the holiday season – or – maybe it’s because I heart fresh starts. I don’t know exactly what it is but I love the possibilities that come with turning my calendar to January and thinking about all I want to experience in the year ahead.
I say all of that and I know full well that for a lot of women walking through the throes of betrayal – the new year doesn’t bring great joy. I’ve been there. All I knew back then is I couldn’t bear another year like the one I had just endured. I just. couldn’t. do it. You’re not alone if that is the space you are in today.
And – what I believe to be helpful – whether you love new years or whether you are dreading the year to come – is to give the year prior some proper closure. Tell it good-bye. Only after doing this can we turn around and really take some time to think about what we want the year we are facing to look like.
I’m not talking new year’s resolutions here.
I know, I know – new years resolutions don’t have the best of reputations. And that’s actually not what I am going to ask you to do – to create resolutions. A resolution to me seems like an unachievable battle of the will that isn’t really worth sticking to by February 1.
For instance – a resolution might be choosing not to eat sugar for the entire month of January. I actually love sugar. I love it a lot. If I resolved to not eat any sugar – I’d last – eh, about 2 hours. It’s just not practical.
Instead, what I want you to do is think of some achievable goals that you can work toward as the year ticks by. Less about what you are NOT going to do (not eating any sugar) and more about what you CAN do (eat sugar).
Sugar-coated kidding aside – before we look at 2019 and all we want to accomplish, let’s first turn around and say good-bye to 2018 and give it the closure it deserves – won’t you join me?!
Saying Good-Bye to 2018
My life coach taught me two important things to consider when saying good-bye to the year behind. First – what was accomplished? And second – what was survived? Both are worth acknowledging and celebrating.
You can use the printable above to help you think through this. I suggest printing it out and putting it in a place where you can jot down your thoughts and memories as you go about your day. I also like to pull out my journal from the year and sift through it to find the challenges and accomplishments that I wouldn’t remember otherwise. I give myself permission to use the entire month of January to say good-bye to the year prior and to dream about the year ahead. I hope you will, too.
Here are a couple that I wrote down, just to give you an idea –
What I survived:
- We received a bill from the IRS stating we owed them quite a bit in taxes. It almost sent me to a padded room. Thankfully, the issue was handled and in the end – the government owed us $90!
- Jason and I had some really hard conversations about his work load, his vision and what he needs to do different. This completely and totally sent me into orbit (thanks to a realization that I grew up in a home where work = love) and sent Jason and I into many a conversations hashing through the best way to move forward.
What I accomplished:
- I supported Jason wholeheartdly in training for and running a marathon. This involved (but was not limited to) water and food drops, cheering from the car with the boys in tow, and taping Jason’s foot day in and day out to keep his pain to a minimum. It was also me stepping into a vulnerable place of being able to fully support him and cheer him on in what was a dream of his. While this might sound silly to some; for me, for us – it was a big deal.
- We started therapy to help us handle parenting our boys. A big struggle over the last couple of years that came to a head in 2018 – it was a huge accomplishment to acknowledge we needed help and to be willing to pay top dollar for it (I’m frugal, too, if you didn’t know).
Hopefully that gives you an idea as you start to book-end (or say good-bye to) 2018. It’s all about celebrating the victories and appreciating the challenges.In the next blog post – we will be talking about looking ahead to 2019. In addition, I am working on a vision for the blog for this year and I have some really amazing ideas for how I want to use the blog (and some other things) to help more women get the support they are looking for. It’s going to be good.
I’d love to hear what comes to mind for you as you look back at 2018.
xo – Shelley
So we’ve talked about surviving the craziness of the Christmas season and some simple things we can do to slow down and enjoy this time of year versus hiding until sometime after the new year.
Now let’s talk about what we can do to survive (and thrive) as we engage with our immediate family as well as our distant cousins.
If you are new on this journey…
I want to start by saying – if you are new on this journey and this is your first holiday since your world fell apart – I think it’s really important to take some time to decide what you will be able to handle and what you won’t be able to deal with. And don’t even think about apologizing for what you can’t manage!
For instance, you might not be up for going to your in-laws house for Christmas, even if it’s just for Christmas morning. And while you might feel terrible saying no – I encourage you to think through what you feel safe engaging in and what you need to bow out of.
Some women feel better going to family functions with the understanding that the grief and pain is on hold until later in the day or even a couple of days later. (I remember Jason and I taking these “time outs” for family functions early on in our process. I was so afraid that Jason might forget that we are NOT okay. I made it real clear that I was putting this on hold and we would revisit it at xyz time frame.)
Some women, on the other hand, can’t even imagine engaging family and prefer to alter their plans all together. Jason and I did this as well and it helped that Jason would absorb the repercussions, not me.
Whichever you choose – remember the key is what do you need? And what would help you feel the safest? Think this through and if your husband is working his recovery (not just checking the boxes mind you but also doing the heart work) and if you feel safe talking to him about this – share with him what is doable for you and what isn’t.
If you are going to be around his family…
Two things come to mind that I think are really important to work through before celebrating with his family.
First – it’s super important to be on the same page before the gathering. Jason and I literally have to have no less than three conversations as we prep for time with his family and one of the biggest things that we plan for is taking time every day to check in with each other in order to keep the lines of communication wide open.
We will usually try to go for a walk or a run but if that isn’t possible, then we will make sure to connect before going to bed. The focus for us is on intimacy so we share what we are struggling with, what might feel tender, and also what we feel is going smoothly. Remember men – defensiveness is the enemy of empathy so watch for this and work toward caring for your wife’s heart more than anyone else’s.
Second – is to have a conversation about the role he played in his family of origin. For instance, was he the golden child? Was he the funny guy that kept everyone laughing? Was he momma’s boy with some unhealthy attachments? Whatever it might be – it’s important at some point to explore this together and gain awareness so he can take the initiative to not slip back into the role that made the “system” function back then. Talk about triggering for us wives. Whew.
If you are going to be around your family…
More than anything – I needed Jason to show his character changes to my family. And even today, I still need that.
So if you are second guessing yourself on what you need from him – don’t. God created us with needs and when we are around our families – those needs go way up!
For instance – one of the things that can really send me into a tail spin is if Jason just lounges on the couch and doesn’t help with the dishes and food prep or with the boys. Another thing that drives me crazy is if he doesn’t engage with my family and retreats to the bedroom for hours on end. Um – no. Totally triggers what he used to be like before his sexual integrity issues came to light: self-absorbed, checked out and basically not even there.
While Jason loves his time alone (going to a coffee shop to journal or going on a bike ride) – he is always careful to plan it at a time when it won’t impact the entire family and/or put extra stress on me. Likewise, while Jason doesn’t always love playing games with my competitive family – he will engage in a game or two here and there because he knows it’s important to me.
So think about what you need from your husband before the event or trip and again, if you feel that your husband is engaged in his recovery and if you feel safe having this sort of convo with him – talk to him about it.
A note for those of you whose husbands are not in recovery
I know this can be tricky because if you explore what you need and yet your husband isn’t about to listen to you or care for your heart in that way – then what?
If this is you – it’s still important to still get your needs met (think: needs met by God, self and others) and to also set boundaries with your husband in order to survive and thrive. It might be that you focus on your kids at the family gathering and don’t spend energy focusing on your husband and the way he behaves when he is around extended family (I would call this healthy detachment). It might be that you alert your go-to girls that you are going in and it might be ugly and you need them on stand-by in case you find yourself locked in your aunt’s bathroom and unable to leave because of the anger or the tears.
Hear my heart as I wrap this up – I want each of you to know that you are not alone and there are women across the world in similar situations to yours. Trying to figure out how to celebrate Christmas with grace and ease. How to honor their families and children and also honor their emotions as they walk through one of the most difficult seasons one could go through.
Would love to hear your ideas for how you are going to survive and thrive with your extended families this holiday season.
xo – Shelley
There are two things we must talk about when it comes to this time of year. Surviving the holidays. And surviving the holidays.
I see this “survival of the holidays” not only from the stand point of surviving the madness of shopping, decorating, partying, etc. but also (and probably more importantly) from the stand point of surviving the family dynamics that we walk into as we celebrate with loved ones near and far.
I know for myself – I tend to bury my head in the sand starting just prior to Thanksgiving alllll the way through to New Year’s Day. Whew. I get SO overwhelmed with putting up the Christmas tree, decorating the house, purchasing presents, gifting our neighbors, attending holiday gatherings, shopping for outfits for the Christmas photo, traveling to celebrate with family, delivering Christmas cards, baking – oh my gosh, I am about to have a panic attack just listing all of these extra things that are supposed to be fun and bring us closer to our families and help us draw closer to Jesus – and yet, they just put me in a really bad mood.
This year – I am determined more than ever to do it differently. Here are three things that have helped thus far:
We wrote out all of our holiday options / responsibilities and looked at my list and decided what we were really interested in doing and then we let the rest go.
And that means saying “no”. For those of you that might have a hard time keeping boundaries – this will be hard. I know it is for me. What can you say no to this holiday season that isn’t adding any value to your already packed schedule?
The other tricky yet rewarding aspect that goes with saying no is that we have to know ourselves well. We have to know what we like and don’t like, what we are passionate about and where our values lie. For women walking through betrayal – this is especially hard because betrayal is pretty much just like a mid-life crisis and what we thought we liked or were passionate about – all of a sudden goes out the window. No doubt – this journey is an opportunity to really dig into who we are and who God created us to be.
I started thinking about presents before December.
For real, most years – it’s December 20th and I’m thinking it might be time to do some Christmas shopping. But not this year. No way. I ended up taking notes on my phone when I heard the boys or Jason talk about what they would love to have. It’s not even December yet and I’m more than half-way done with my purchases! This is unprecedented for me. And it will help me with my last pointer, below.
I want to actually slow down and practice advent versus it being an after thought.
So much of my journey over the last decade plus has been about figuring out how to wait well. And not just waiting well but waiting with hope. In other words, an expectant wait.
Not only was I waiting to see if Jason would become the man God created him to be, I was also waiting for my broken heart to heal. I was waiting to see if my marriage would survive. And if we’d have a family and share a life together. (And to be clear, I wasn’t waiting with my legs propped up on the couch watching The View – my wait involved working the process in between bouts of the View. bahaha!)
What I didn’t realize at the time was that what God was doing within me during that wait was just as important (if not more so) than what I was waiting for. The wait is brutal, painful, not glitzy and oh-so-vital to our journeys.
So we are planning the most wonderful day of the year (thanks to the suggestion I found in this magazine) and allowing anticipation to build as we think about the games we want to play, the lights we want to go see and the cookies we want to bake.
This is the same kind of anticipation that we as Christians get the opportunity to experience every Christmas season as we await the birth of baby Jesus – the One that bridged the gap for us, making things like forgiveness, restoration, healing and wholeness even possible in the first place.
I’ll be back with Part 2 here soon. As always, I’d love to hear from you. xo – Shelley
Well Ladies – I am officially on a roll. I have three littles in school and have a total of four hours to myself, five days a week. Last week was the first week of this new schedule and I have to laugh – the day before my youngest started preschool – I was worried I would have too much free time. I was slightly concerned that I might just roll around in bed all morning long and eat potato chips and watch “As the World Turns” or something similar. Jason just laughed and shook his head when I told him my deepest worry for the Fall season. How could he?!
Then – last week happened and it was a mixture of frenzy, glory and tears. The words out of my mouth by the end of the week – “Four hours isn’t NEAR enough time! No!!!”
I’d like to say that this is more of the perseverance that I spoke of in the last blog post – but I’d be kidding. I am thankful for my small allotment of time. It flies – but it’s filling my soul.
I’m listening to some different podcasts while I tidy the house (which how in the world could the 5 of us make such a mess in the morning that it takes me 90 minutes to pick up once everyone is up and running?! – does anyone else experience this?). I’m starting to work on some projects that have been sitting on the shelf for far too long. And I’m working hard to wake up before the boys for those 20 magical moments so I can read, journal, reflect, and pray. Ladies – for real – this last part is so hard for me – but it is filling my soul.
Recently, I came across this devo that I had tucked into a rickety chest of drawers next to my desk until I finished this study which took me forev to do! The devotional was given to me by a precious woman in one of my groups and in the introduction – the author, Nancy Guthrie talks about a horrific time in her life and her search for what could possibly get her through the next day, what could possibly fill her soul. It was the author’s sister-in-law that answered – “manna”.
Just as the Israelites depended on God for food to get them through the day for 40 years – we as well depend on God to nourish our souls so that we as well can get through our days. Especially when we think we might not make it.
And just as the Israelites couldn’t store up the food (except for the Sabbath) – nor can we. As Nancy says – “every day, we need a fresh touch, a fresh word to nourish us and sustain us. Yesterday’s manna, yesterday’s insights may inform us, but every day we need something new to keep us moving forward toward healing” (p.xvi, Nancy Guthrie, The One Year Book of Hope). LURVE that!
These fresh touches, fresh words – oftentimes they do come in the still and quiet of the morning while my feet hit the pavement or while I am sitting in my cramped office, that also serves as a catch-all, reading a study or journaling to God. But other times these touches and words come from my community – family and friends that know me. And then there are those sweet times when it’s God disguised as a stranger.
Yesterday – the manna for my day – the thing that kept me moving forward toward healing was in the midst of a conversation I had with a fellow group facilitator. We were processing something that came up in her group and she asked – when we choose not to show up – is it because we can’t accept ourselves right where we are at?
Her question gave me pause. I’ve thought of all the times when I choose hiding over showing up. When I lurk into the shadows instead of bravely walking into the light and saying – here I am – pain, hurt, ugliness and all.
It also had me wondering – what comes first – accepting ourselves (in isolation) before sharing the ugly with others? Or sharing the ugly with others (in community) and then learning to accept ourselves as we see those around us accept us first?
I believe it’s the latter that is the more likely way we experience healing. And that is a hard pill to swallow. I’m reminded of something I re-read recently – We get hurt in relationships. And – we heal in relationships.
As you continue on your journey toward hope, healing and wholeness – what is the manna that is getting you through today? It could be words of truth in a conversation (like my example above) or it could be encouragement or grace or love. I’d love to hear your thoughts below.
xo – Shelley
As my boys slowly return to school and I find myself getting a little more margin in my life – I am grateful to have some space to breathe.
I love summer. I love the warmth. I love the slowing down of life. I love being with my boys.
I also love it when they go back to school.
And I always look back at the summer and wonder – How did I get by? How did I DO it?
(And for those of you that home school – all I can say is – you, my dear ones, are the HEROES during this time of year. I have always thought that home schooling would be SO cool, SO amazing, SO the thing for me.
Until I drop off my kids that first day and limp home, licking my wounds from the summer, and I realize – I almost didn’t make it, once again.)
Picking up where I left off earlier this month – I am in a season girls. I have been fighting it and resisting it. Doing anything and everything in my power to deny that it’s a rough one.
All up until last week, the first week of school, when I took that breath, sat down and then realized – this isn’t going away anytime soon.
Maybe that is the first step in surrendering these ugly seasons – agreeing that they are indeed right in front of us and not magically disappearing.
As for what to do next – well – I decided I need to name it. If I was going to get comfortable in this season of wading through some tough parenting and some tough fighting with Jason – I needed a word (or several) for it.
(As a side note – recognize that there is power in naming things. Whether we are naming our children when they are born, Adam naming all the living creatures that God created, or God renaming people in the Bible – there is power and authority when we call it what it is.)
So, last Thursday – Norman and I went on a bike ride/run (Norms doesn’t start preschool until next week. Can you guys guess who was riding the bike and who was running?!) and I was asking God – what shall we call this season you have me in?
I started thinking through the best words to describe where I’m at – sh%# show would work but I just didn’t feel like that was the most godly of descriptions to use. So I thought longer and deeper as Norman started to complain about his legs getting tired while he was biking (Y’all – did you really think I would make my five year old run while I rode the bike?!).
I don’t like those words. I mostly don’t like perseverance. And it was perseverance that I kept circling back to as I asked God – is this the word you have for me?
Aaaaaaaaand – it was just about then that I look down and Norman has a flat tire and is crying to go home.
I start crying, too.
I want to go home, too.
Why is everything SO hard?! For crying out loud (literally) – why can’t I just go on a run to try to get grounded and feel good without it turning into a sh%# show?!
I walked in circles, took some deep breaths, and then told myself – oh, and Norman (since he was standing right there with his bike) – we’d make it home. One way or another, we would. It might take some serious perseverance (for the love!), but we would get there.
And isn’t this exactly what God is saying to us? While we lose hope, feel despair and depression, wonder what in the world is going on – God is right there beside us telling us we will make it home. One way or another we will get there and He’s not going to leave us until we do.
Some of you might be in a winter season of your soul like me. If you are – I encourage you to name it. Start by simply asking God – what in the world are we going to name this season? You might be surprised with what comes to mind as you present that question to Him.
Then – look up the word in your concordance in the back of your Bible. You can use this website to help you look up verses and start to pick apart the meanings of the Greek and Hebrew words used.
That’s what I’m working on this week before the boys wake up in the morning and here is a little of what I have learned:
- perseverance means to bear up courageously under suffering (Matthew 24:13).
- it also means hopeful endurance (Romans 2:6-7) and is the opposite of cowardice or despondency
- there is a connotation of steadfastness (1 Cor 15:58) and refers to someone that is fixed in purpose
- another Greek word for perseverance refers to being patient and brave in enduring misfortunes and troubles; to have long patience (Hebrews 6:15)
- and last – when we persevere – the result is completeness and wholeness (James 1:2-4)
Maybe I’m starting to grow fond of the word perseverance. If the end result is wholeness and completeness – I think I’m game to sit in this a little longer.
Would love to hear your heart on this. What season are you in? What has it looked like to let go and allow it to be rather than fighting it and denying it? xo – Shelley
This week – I was acutely reminded of the pain of the first days and weeks following Jason’s disclosure of his secret past. The gut-wrenching – deer in headlights – I think I’m going to vomit sort of pain that brings us all to our knees.
The good news is (because I’m always looking for the brighter side) is Jason is living with integrity and living a godly life with purpose. He is all in. I as well am all in and living a life trying to pursue God and His path for me and not my own (the struggle is real!). Yes – the good news is Jason and I are together and intact and fighting strong.
While I know sharing particulars here isn’t wise – the last few days have brought back some of the priceless and ever-so-important realities that I had to mine for in the weeks and months following Jason’s confessions.
So if you are new on this journey or a seasoned veteran like myself – I think you will appreciate hearing what keeps bubbling up in my head as we wade through the waters –
There isn’t a one of us that can fully prevent bad things from happening. As much as I’d like to believe I can be perfect – this week has reminded me once again that it’s impossible. God is the only one in this life that is perfect. We are not. I heard this quote yesterday and appreciated it – “I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection. Excellence I can reach for, perfection is God’s business.” -Michael J Fox
Boy, did I struggle early on in our journey with questions such as – how could I have prevented this? How could I have prevented myself from marrying a sex addict? How could I have somehow been a better wife, a better lover so that this wasn’t my story?
The truth is – bad things happen to good people and it wasn’t my fault – but it was so hard to get there. Especially when I suffered consequences as if it were my fault.
Isolation breeds fear. It’s critical to talk about it. One of the hardest things we will ever do is to share our pain with someone else. I can remember 15 years ago – how I held onto my story. Wondering if I just didn’t tell anyone – maybe it wouldn’t be real. However – holding it all inside for month after month sickened me. There was so much fear that I carried around inside of me. John 11:10 says “but if anyone walks in the night, he stumbles, because the light is not in him.”
When we choose to drag what is dark into the light – no matter how scary it is – there is always freedom awaiting us. It certainly doesn’t take away the consequences or the reality of the choices made by those we love (or made by ourselves for that matter) – but it does something powerfully healing when we share our truth with someone else that we consider safe.
My heart aches for all the women out there that haven’t shared their stories with a single soul. That, my friends, is why I believe so much in these support groups. Because it’s a place where you can share your story and work toward being real, true and authentic.
I’m reminded (and oftentimes forget) I’m no better than anyone else. Then tragedy strikes and I’m back on my knees, realizing none of us are better-than. It comes back to humility and there is nothing like the humbling work that Jesus does in our lives. It’s painful. It’s harsh. And it’s also necessary. Because living from a place of lowliness – continually choosing hands wide open, asking God to get us through the next minute, the next hour – there is such a sweet richness there that can quickly fade when life is throwing us Care Bears and rainbows.
What good will come from this? I remember asking God – how will you redeem this? How in the world could any good come from it? I heart Genesis 50:20 when Joseph says to his brothers years after they betrayed him – “what you meant for harm, God meant for good. The saving of many lives.”
Oh God – how much we all want that for our stories – for it NOT to be for harm but instead be for good. And for not just one life to be saved because of our pain but for many lives to be saved. Yes – that’s what we want!
Here’s to hoping that when you read this post – you are resting in God’s goodness – even if you feel like you are at the bottom of the food chain. xo – Shelley