Book Review – “I Don’t Love You Anymore” by Dr. David Clarke
Sunday, July 5th, 2015
This one, my friends, is a book that I wish each of you would take the time to purchase and read. In fact, one of my groups recently told me that they think this book should be a required reading for every wife going through this process. You heard it – a required reading. With that in mind, this blog post is dedicated to the rabid four, also known as TRF (don’t worry if it doesn’t make sense, just keep reading).
It’s also the book that changed my life some 12 years ago when I decided my heart was so bitter and so resentful toward Jason that I had to find a way to forgive him. It practically fell off the shelf at the book store right in front of me and it gave me the courage I needed to confront Jason and demand the truth from him. (Jason had confessed a half-truth some 9 months prior and then proceeded to tell me we weren’t going to discuss his affair and we needed to move on with life as normal. I believed it was my fault and decided I needed to be sexier to win Jason back. Bad move on my part. It didn’t work. Reading this book and implementing a lot of what Clarke suggested with the help of our counselor – it worked!)
Name of the Book: What to do when your spouse says I don’t love you anymore By Dr. David Clarke
Trigger Level: Low. You can read a little bit more about why I include the trigger level here. This book, in my opinion, is about as safe as a book pertaining to sexual betrayal can get.
What I Liked About This Book: Do you have all day for me to read the book to you? Because yes, it is that good. Where do I even begin?!
This book helped empower me to realize that it wasn’t up to me to repair my marriage from the devastation of adultery. It was up to Jason.
- For instance, more than once, Dave (yes, this is how close I feel to the author) mentions that this isn’t the time to fix the marital issues – which are 50/50. Rather, your spouses sin is what the focus will be. “Down the road, you’ll be more than happy to deal with your personal issues and the marital issues. But not until you’ve seen considerable effort and progress from your adulterous spouse.” Amen.
This book helped me see that playing the sweet, submissive role that I was so desperately trying to portray in order to fix my marriage wasn’t a good choice.
- Dave relates a story about a woman whose pastor told her to simply forgive her husband and not bring it up again. (I think I could die just typing that out and the truth is – this is STILL advice given to women.) This woman was instructed, by her pastor mind you, “to be cheerful, be affectionate, make nice meals, be romantic, invite him often to have sex, ask what his needs are every day, and really work hard on her weaknesses.” The next paragraph begins with “hearing this, I had a strong urge to throw up.” Me too, Dave, me too.
- Dave also talks about his tough-as-nails approach. He says that some of the wives he works with push back when he explains his approach. These ladies say that if they are too tough, they will scare their husbands off. This is what Dave says, “My response is always the same: “You can’t scare him off because he’s already gone.” This is so good, so true, and so sobering.
- “There are two persons inside you. The first person loves her husband and wants to be kind, supportive and compassionate. The second person is furious, deeply wounded – almost to the point of being terminal – and devastated. Be that second person first.”
This book helped me see that I had every right to ask for a full disclosure for my healing.
- “How can you forgive him if you don’t know completely what he’s done? You can’t forgive what you don’t know.” Great point, Dave.
- “The details are an essential part of the recovery process. The two of you and your marriage won’t heal without them. How can your fallen husband be truly broken and truly change without a full and open and honest confession of his sin? If any of his sin stays inside, secret and unconfessed, it will slowly destroy him and your relationship.”
- Dave is a proponent of a written disclosure followed by a verbal disclosure. He says that “with the affair on paper, it goes from an out-of-control, mysterious monster to a defined, manageable monster.”
This book is also, I must admit, funny in places. I’ll also admit, I called Jason “buster” quite a few times. And it felt good.
- “Call what he did adultery, not an affair. Don’t call your husband by his first name, either. That’s too personal and affectionate. Use buster or you or his last name. The colder and more impersonal you can be, the better.”
What I didn’t like about this book: Very little. This book is amazing and it completely changed the trajectory of my journey some 12 years ago. I can’t recommend this book enough. (It also changed the trajectory of Jason’s journey. He met Dave a couple of years ago!)
Additional thoughts: None. I’ve said enough.
And I’d love to know your thoughts. Have you read this book? What spoke most to you?